Tuesday, February 27, 2007

A Call To Arms On The War On Error

We need a new war. No, not with Iran. We need a new war, right here, in America.

We hear a lot about the War on Terror. In the name of the War on Terror any citizen, such as Jose Padilla, can be declared an "enemy combatant," tortured, and locked up indefinitely without any legal recourse and without the right to know the evidence used against him.

Using the War on Terror as a justification the administration slipped a little-noticed rider into a federal appropriations bill last fall. That rider voided the Posse Comitatus Act. This means the president, without congressional approval, can declare martial law at any time for any reason, even for a perceived possibility of a potential threat (the famous one per-cent doctrine).

Our phone calls, our e-mails, our snail mails are tapped. There is no privacy. RFIDs (radio frequency identification) have been embedded in products allowing others to trace our movements. Soon some states will have RFID drivers licenses so that every time someone goes through a tollbooth, cashes a check, or gets close enough to a scanner, the government will know just where you are.

Those are just some of the liberties Americans have given up in the name of the War on Terror.

But what about the War on Error? What have we done on that front? That's the real war we have to fight, right here, at home. And, every single one of us is a soldier.

We need a War on Error that looks extremely closely at any reasoning calling for war with Iran. We need a War on Error that looks coolly and dispassionately on sending more troops to Iraq while not having enough troops in Afghanistan. We need a War on Error to find out where, exactly, the money promised to New Orleans and surrounding areas went, and for what, and to whom, and when was it sent and why has so little been accomplished?

We need a War on Error on all of the candidates from both parties. We didn't elect them to run around the country, raise money and create sound bites. We elected them to stay in the House and the Senate and do their jobs: preventing further errors from happening and fixing the errors that exist.

I intend to be a one-person army. I have a few ideas. Here's my first plan of attack.

The election is 20 months away. Every day a soldier dies. Every day six other soldiers are wounded, some severely. Every day millions of dollars go down the drain. Every day our national deficit goes up and up while we sell off our independence to places like China.

I don't want to hear what candidates promise to do for me in 2008; I want to know what they did for me today. It's that simple: did they do their jobs today?

1. If contacted by a candidate or a national party for donations, tell them that you are not giving one red cent to people who are away from their elected posts this far from an election.

2. If contacted by mail, write that sentiment out on the card that they've so helpfully included in their postage-paid return envelope.

3. Do not go to the rallies, the speeches, the candidate appearances. Stay home. Remember - "Don't tell me what you'll do for me 2008, tell me what you did for me today."

4. Contact your own representatives, (especially your House rep who is up for re-election in 2008), and tell them that you will be scrutinizing their job performance quite closely. Make a special point of telling them that you'll be looking just as carefully at the times they did not cast a vote as those votes they did cast. Were they doing the job the were elected to do, or were they out stumping for a pal?

5. Tell all of them that the way to impress you is not to shake your hand or kiss your baby or make a speech; you intend to vote only for veterans of the War on Error.

Let them hear it loud and clear: if they want your money, your efforts as a volunteer, and especially if they want your vote, they'd better be marching in the Army of the War on Error. Double time.

Written by pinko

Monday, February 26, 2007

Nevada Democrats Drugged & Raped By Fox News

Las Vegas, Nevada - Unnamed but highly placed sources at Fox News have told Assimilated Press that Rupert Murdoch personally ordered Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly to place the date rape drug Rohypnol into the punch bowl at a gathering of Nevada Democratic Party officials earlier in the week at a Las Vegas casino. Murdoch then sent in a bevy of blond "reporters" led by Martha MacCallum and E.D. Hill to provide "sweet persuasion" to the assembled Democratic Party representatives. A short while later Fox News was granted the rights to televise the first Democratic Presidential debate which will be anchored by Brit Hume and paneled by John Gibson, Ann Coulter and Geraldo Rivera.

Representatives of the Nevada Democratic Party also agreed to the conditions laid out by Fox News that the candidates participating in the debate will have to wear Mao suits and stand under a banner that reads "Democrats, traitors or cowards?"

Responding to mounting criticism over the arrangement by outraged Democrats nationwide, Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National committee said, "Personally, I feel violated and unclean about this whole deal. In fact, I had to shower four times today just to try to erase the stink from this sordid agreement. Unfortunately, Murdoch has us by the balls and we have to go through with it. My only advice to other state Democratic Party officials is to stay away from the punch bowl at party gatherings, especially if Hannity and O'Reilly are lurking nearby."

Saturday, February 24, 2007

CIA Torture Camp Is A Sportsman's Paradise

Mazura, Poland - Despite repeated official denials by both the United States and Polish governments as to its very existence, American tourists are being wooed to visit a formerly secret torture prison camp in Poland's lakeland northeast.

The "detention" camp was located in the Polish Intelligence Service's training center complex. In this hotly denied secret prison American CIA agents tortured, sometimes to death, civilians of other countries. These foreign civilians had been captured in their own countries by the CIA and then flown in privately chartered aircraft to the prison in Poland. The capture process, still going on today, is known in America as "rendition", and known internationally as "an unbelievably horrifying stomach-turning illegal action by a bunch of rabidly mad sociopathic thugs, and we mean Bush, Cheney and the rest of them, not the CIA."

A Polish travel agency, in an effort to draw American tourism dollars to the area, is offering vacation packages that combine viewing the prison's location with a variety of outdoor activities. Known for its beautiful pine forests, the area around the torture prison has abundant fishing, canoing, cycling and camping opportunities. There are also several modern hotels in the area complete with satellite t.v. so the vacationer can stay in touch with what's going on at home through Fox News.

"It's a way to teach the kids a little bit of American history, see Europe and still have fun in the great outdoors," said Marik Debil, Minister of Tourism. "It has everything: healthy exercise, fresh air and the echoes of agonized screams. It's like The Hitler Youth, only in English, and we've just added a gift shop. It's the perfect Republican family vacation!"

For information on vacation deals visit www.whocaresifyoureacitizenofanothercountrywhodoesntknowanything

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, February 23, 2007

Hunting Illegal Immigrants Fun New Game For College Republicans

New York, New York - At New York University enterprising Young Republicans are whiling away their college years playing "Find the Illegal Immigrant." According to the rules of the game, students are divided into the hunters and the hunted, with those students posing as illegal immigrants sporting an identification tag (It is unknown if the tag is a six-pointed yellow star, an identification used previously in other historical "find the undesirable" games). The first student playing the part of an all-American border enforcement agent who "captures" a tagged "illegal" wins a prize.

The game is primarily played indoors in comfortable, temperature-controlled conditions, as opposed to under the blazing sun in an arid desert where real border crossings occur. Much like grownup Republican hunting parties, such as those favored by Vice President Dick Cheney and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, which take place at controlled game farms where large numbers of domestic quail are released at the same time in the right direction allowing for maximum kill with minimal effort, discomfort or disappointment, those wacky what-will-they-think-of-next Republican kids playing the "hunt the human" are guaranteed good, clean fun without having to work too hard or sacrifice their creature comforts.

It is unknown at this time if all the "illegal immigrants" are Republican college students or if adult menial labor on campus is paid under the table to ensure a steadily supply for this unglamorous role.

The prize for the first "agent" to capture an "illegal" was not specified in reports from campus, however it can be stated with assurance that the prize is not a trip to a combat zone where real "hunting" happens and real people get wounded, suffer, die, or in any way have their "other priorities" affected.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Dead President Rises From Grave To Denounce Bush

Quincy, Massachusetts - Former President John Adams, held a press conference today to counter the claims of President George W. Bush that he is similar to former President George Washington.

President Bush, in a prepared address at Mt. Vernon over President's Day weekend, compared George Washington's resolve during the American Resolution to the need for resolve concerning the war in Iraq, among several other inferences of connections between the first president and the forty-third.

Former President Adams, who was Vice President under Washington, released this statement: "Mr. President, I served with George Washington. I knew George Washington. George Washington was a friend of mine. Mr. President, you're no George Washington."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

East Coast Earthquakes Caused By Patriots Rolling In Their Graves

Mt Vernon, Virginia - A series of continuing earthquakes and aftershocks in the 13 original American colonies have been determined to be caused by the Founding Fathers, the Continental Congress and the soldiers of Valley Forge rolling in their graves.

The unusual activity began shortly after President George W. Bush, known as "Last in War, Last in Peace, and Last in the Hearts of His Countrymen," compared himself and the conduct of the war in Iraq to George Washington and the battles of the American Revolution while visiting Mt Vernon.

The current President has repeatedly stated that voting for Democrats is the same as voting for terrorists, while his Senate supporters recently blocked any meaningful debate on Iraq with the justification that discussing the war undercuts support for the troops. It appears President Bush and his supporters have never encountered the words of President Washington who said "Real patriots, who may resist the intrigues of the favorite, are liable to become suspected and odious; while its tools and dupes usurp the applause and confidence of the people, to surrender their interests."

Mr. Bush, a firm proponent of the "unitary executive" in October 2006 quietly slipped in legislation voiding the Posse Comitatus Act, which means that at this moment the president can declare martial law at any time for any reason without any Congressional restraint. In his official capacity as Supreme Commander and Dear Leader, Mr. Bush went on to say a few more words comparing himself to George Washington, the man who could have been king but declined.

Earthquake and aftershock activity started immediately at the conclusion of the president's speech.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Monday, February 19, 2007

Administration Releases New National Intelligence Estimate

Washington, D.C. - The Administration today released its latest National Intelligence Estimate (NIE). In this latest estimate, the administration ball parked the national intelligence of the American people as 70-90, or "borderline to below average."

"We can sell them a war with Iran," said one senior administration official, "The names Iraq and Iran vary by only one letter, and that's at the end. Most Americans won't even notice the difference."

Despite a lack of verification by military commanders in the field, Administration and Pentagon officials have been displaying and discussing munitions they claim were recovered in Iraq that they also claim are of Iranian origin.

"Ooh, look what we have here," said one anonymous Pentagon officer during a briefing for reporters. "It's shiny, isn't it? It's made of metal, and it is very, very shiny and it's very, very special. Does anybody know where this comes from? No? Well, it's from a country called Iran. Can you say 'Iran'?"

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Cheney's Parakeet Produces Smoking Gun On Iran

Washington, D.C. - Vice President Cheney today introduced incontrovertible evidence that the government of Iran is directly involved in arming the Iraqi insurgents thus providing the Bush administration with the necessary casus belli to begin military action against the Persian nation. This incriminating evidence came in the form of the vice president's pet parakeet who he fondly calls Curveball.

Terry Moran of ABC News is reporting that high ranking officials in both the Pentagon and State Department have informed him that Curveball has provided American intelligence agencies with information that amounts to a damning indictment of Iraq's neighbor to the east. Brit Hume of Fox News is also confirming that their sources in the White House are telling them that Curveball's information is solid and beyond repute.

Though the details of Curveball's evidence remain classified and all that is known has come from selected leaks, Assimilated Press has learned that during debriefing Curveball gave a number of statements to government officials that served to substantiate their darkest fears about Iran.

Among the statements attributed to Curveball are, "Awk, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad did it, awk, awk." and "Weapons, awk, smuggled from Iran, awk, awk, in trucks, awk, carrying pistachios, awk, awk."

While these statements would appear to leave some doubt as to what really occurred, they are being characterized by President Bush and Republican members of Congress as the smoking gun that should assure the public that the Bush administration is acting in the best interests of the nation should they decide to expand military operations in the region.

In a related development, Vice President Cheney and his parakeet Curveball will be Tim Russert's only guests this Sunday on Meet the Press.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Avian Flu Outbreak Linked To Runaway Turkey

Atlanta, Georgia - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) confirmed today that there is a link between outbreaks of the H5N1 virus, or avian flu, and a runaway turkey. The turkey, named Chloe, was last seen in the Washington D.C. area on Thanksgiving Day after it escaped from the White House kitchen.

"It appears that the turkey may have had contact with the blood of someone who has something wrong with him," said Dr. Milton Ostrowsky, chief epidemiologist of the CDC. "The person whose blood came in contact with Chloe the Turkey is evidently seriously abnormal. Whatever was in his system was transmitted to Chloe, who fell ill."

Chloe, while escaping, evidently inadvertently transmitted this abnormality to other birds, sparking a worldwide health crisis. "Avian flu is scary and it has killed several dozen people already," said Dr. Ostrowsky, "but based on our data, the individual who infected Chloe has killed tens of thousands and will continue to be fatally destructive unless carefully quarantined and limited in his actions."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Cheney Gives Wife Human Heart For Valentine's Day

Washington, D.C. - Vice President Dick Cheney's romantic side was on display today when he gave his wife Lynne a very special Valentine's day present, a human heart freshly removed from an Iraqi insurgent. Said Cheney, "I wanted to give her something special that I knew she would appreciate."

And appreciate it she did, "Dick is the most thoughtful man alive," gushed Lynne Cheney, "Nothing says I love you more than a man handing you an internal organ cut out of one of your enemies. It's the kind of gift Jack Bauer would give to his wife."

Not to be outdone, President Bush gave the First Lady a very special Valentine's day gift as well, the complete collection of torture videos from Abu Ghraib and a CD set containing all of the episodes from the first five seasons of the hit show 24.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Non-Binding Resolution Becomes Political Statement

Washington, D.C. - The House non-binding resolution on the Iraq War is quickly becoming the "must have" political statement for Congress. In addition to Ralph Lauren, other noted designers have expressed interest in helping The House fashion its non-binding resolution.

Bob Mackie, best known for outfitting Cher, is submitting a non-binding resolution with a supportive upfront troop boost coupled with a daring budget plunge. "I think you need a little shock and awe for this resolution," said Mr. Mackie. "The House has to get out there and shake it, make the President notice, show him how it's done. You need bling, fireworks."

Isaac Mizrahi, the Israeli designer has suggested a much different non-binding resolution approach."My resolution is 100% Egyptian cotton and manufactured in China. This represents free trade and a multi-lateral approach to problem solving," explained Mr. Mizrahi. "The resolution itself is a flowing caftan, to preserve its non-binding nature and also to bring in the Middle Eastern flavor."

Like Ralph Lauren's resolution proposal, Mizrahi's resolution has red and white stripes. "The difference between mine and Ralph's" said Mr. Mizrahi, "is that Ralph's stripes are the American flag, while my stripes are a melding of the American flag and the traditional stripes of the souk, the marketplace of ideas. In my resolution cultures coordinate, not clash."

Unlike the other resolutions submitted, the Mizrahi design includes a veil."It's a darling little veil that allows The House to preserve its congressional modesty even while being so bold as to make suggestions to the President," said Mr. Mizrahi. "It's sexy but it's also coy, it's a safe way for The House to flirt with dissent without jumping into bed with the antiwar movement."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Saturday, February 10, 2007

House To Fashion Non-Binding Resolution

Washington, D.C. - In the wake of the Senate's failure to debate the possibility of a
resolution on the Iraq War, House leaders say they are determined to fill the need. "We intend to have a non-binding resolution as soon as possible," said House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD).

To aid in fashioning this non-binding resolution the House has asked Ralph Lauren, American clothing designer, to offer suggestions. Mr. Lauren had this to say after submitting his first design, "The House very much wants this resolution to be non-binding so anything that ties anyone's hands is definitely out, no cuffs, no strings. And, since its non-binding, everything is loose all around in case there is a need to expand with a few thousand troops here and there."

The non-binding resolution as conceived by Mr. Lauren has alternating red and white stripes, with white stars against a blue background. "The resolution will elicit feelings of patriotism, democracy, and steadfast resolve but as with all non-binding resolutions, it's actually very comfortable, you hardly know it's there" explained Mr. Lauren, "It's just a snazzy little something the House membership can show off to their constituents when they go back home."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Friday, February 09, 2007

Corporate Media Renews Contract With Republican Party

Washington, D.C. - Heads of the six giant media corporations that own the broadcast and cable networks through which most Americans get their information reached a deal today with the Republican Party that will renew their contract for another four years. With some minor additions, this mutual cooperation agreement is almost identical to their last signed contract which was due to expire in just a few weeks. In return for tax breaks and the further lessening of regulations governing the oversight of these media behemoths, the companies that own ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, FOX, and MSNBC agreed to continue acting as conduits for Republican Party press releases and opposition research on Democrats.

One of the first contractual obligations fulfilled by these corporate media giants to the Republican Party after the signing of their renewal contract was to saturate network news coverage with a completely false story on Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi in which she is wrongly accused of requesting a Boeing 757 luxury jet for personal and political use. Though this story has been shown to be without any factual basis, ABC, CNN and the other networks continue to report it as if it were true.

In response to being told that his story on Nancy Pelosi was a lie and nothing more than a smear being perpetrated by Republicans, Terry Moran of ABC News said "Yeah, I know that the story has no merits and is meant to destroy the reputation of a hard working Democrat politician based on innuendo and outright fabrications. I'm not an idiot. But hey, I'm just an employee doing what I'm told to do. If I didn't do it they would just replace me with someone who would. I'm not willing to give up a good paycheck for principle and I don't know anyone else who works at ABC or any of the other networks who would either."

Thursday, February 08, 2007

2 Out Of 3 Americans Suffer From High Self-Esteem

Atlanta, Georgia - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) today released findings that confirm that two in three Americans suffer from delusional high self-esteem. “This is a sobering fact in America, and it can lead to many problems for our society" said Dr. Milton Ostrowsky, chief psychiatrist of the center.

The condition is known as Stassen Syndrome, named for Harold Stassen the perennial Republican presidential candidate who unsuccessfully sought his party’s nomination nine times from 1948 through 1992. Stassen Syndrome appears to be cyclical, with the most severe manifestations more likely to occur every four years in even-numbered years. While scientists are uncertain why attacks of self-delusional high self-esteem occur during these times more than others, the most commonly accepted theories in the medical community tie the increase in self-deluding grandiose self-esteem to gravitational pull from Mars and other alien influences from far out in left field of deep space.

Stassen Syndrome is a terrible affliction. When in the throes of Stassen Syndrome a person fully believes he or she, although men far outnumber women among sufferers, is capable of things that reality would indicate are ridiculous. For example, over ten people are currently vying for the Democratic nomination as presidential candidates, with approximately twelve Republicans looking for their party’s nod as well. These numbers do not take into account any candidates from third parties, such as the Green Party, The Socialist Party, The American Nazi Party, The Vegetarian Party and even smaller and more obscure political organizations.

“Yet,” said Dr. Ostrowsky, “each and every single one of these people firmly believes that he or she is not only capable of being president, but believes without a trace of doubt that they are the best of the bunch, indeed, the very best the entire country has to offer. It would be laughable if it weren’t so very sad.”

As heartbreaking as Stassen Syndrome is, even more tragic is Stassen Syndrome by Proxy. In Stassen by Proxy someone else, a father, for example or a wife, persuades a man that he would make the best leader in the world and urges him on to increasingly absurd positions. (Interestingly, medical literature is devoid of any mention of Stassen by Proxy involving a woman preyed upon by manipulative relations in this way. Women exhibiting Stassen Syndrome strongly display all the signs and symptoms of self-motivating self-delusional high-esteem.)

In the most famous case of Stassen by Proxy a man, known in medical literature only as W, was persuaded by his parents that he was destined to be president. W, who up until then had been content to cut brush on his ranch and bankrupt businesses, went on to become extremely delusional, insisting that God had anointed him for the presidency. In another instance a man known only by the alias “quail” was persuaded by an ambitious wife to seek high office despite an extreme lack of qualifications and mental facility.

“Unfortunately, we are seeing an increase in both Stassen Syndrome and Stassen by Proxy in society as a whole”, said Dr. Ostrowsky, “Not only are more unqualified, inept people running for president than ever before, there is also an increase of completely untalented people who firmly believe they will be the next American Idol. It’s an epidemic.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

Monday, February 05, 2007

Bush Interview Pt. 1: "I Was Chosen By God"

Washington, D.C. - The following interview took place on Sunday evening in the Oval Office. After lengthy discussions with Assimilated Press, the White House dropped its demand that Vice President Dick Cheney be present and have the authority to answer on the President's behalf. In the end, the interview was conducted without any restrictions and with only the president and reporter in the room.

Virt: Mr. President, on behalf of the readers of Assimilated Press I want to thank you for this opportunity to ask you the questions that are most on the minds of our readers.

Bush: Yeah right, just remember who you're talkin' to. I got my secret service just outside that door and I can have them kill you with a snap of my fingers. Heh, heh, a little intimidatin', ain't it? I love saying that. Now I got you off-guard. You don't know if I'm kiddin' or not. See, you know I could do it. I mean, I have the power to have you shot if I don't like one of your questions. No question, I have that power. That's what Alberto tells me and I believe him. The question is, would I use it on a pesky reporter askin' questions I didn't think were respectful. Well, look over to your right. You see that stain on the carpet over there? That's blood from a Latin reporter from down south in Latin America. He looked at me kind of funny so I had one of my agents shoot him. Nothin' serious, just a minor abdominal wound. He should be out of the hospital in another week or so.

Virt: Yes, well, I'll keep that in mind.

Bush: Yeah, see that you do.

Virt: Mr. President, the country...

Bush: Whoa! Hold on just a minute. We got a problem here. I haven't given you a nickname yet. You know, something personal and clever to endear you to me. Like Turd Blossom, Pootie-Poot, Corndog, something like that.

Virt: That's alright, Mr. President. It isn't necessary.

Bush: No, no, I'll come up with something. By the end of the interview I'll have it. Virt, that's a funny name, a lot of rhymes though, curt, hurt, blurt. You go ahead, I'll keep workin' on it.

Virt: Alright, now, as I was about to say, the country seems to have turned against you and your policies, particularly in regards to Iraq. Overwhelmingly, the public says that you have failed in Iraq and that they no longer trust you to do the right thing. Given the disastrous consequences of your policies, don't you think that you owe the American people an apology?

Bush: Apology? That's one word that isn't in my vocabulary. You see, being George W. Bush means never having to say you're sorry and now that I'm president it's doubly true.

Virt: But Mr. President, don't you think that an apology would help to restore your standing with the American people?

Bush: You know what? I don't give a damn what the American people think. Did that ever occur to you? Anyway, if anyone is owed an apology here, it's me. The people should be thanking me for being their commander-in-chief. They should be giving me their full support. Think about it, commander-in-chief, that means I am the top dog. I give the commands and the American people are required to follow my commands. All of these people who are not supporting me and my policies are disobeying my orders and are guilty of insubordination.

Virt: Mr. President, are you saying that the majority of Americans who are opposed to your war in Iraq are traitors?

Bush: I'm just repeating what Dick and Alberto tell me.

Virt: Vice President Dick Cheney and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales?

Bush: That's right. As a war time president and commander-in-chief it is my responsibility to give orders and it is the responsibility of the American people to follow my orders.

Virt: And if the American people don't want to follow your orders, then what happens.

Bush: Let's just say that Alberto, Dick and me are keeping a mighty long list of insubordinators and that they will be dealt with at the proper time.

Virt: That sounds rather ominous, Mr. President. Don't you think you are exceeding the bounds of what is allowable under the Constitution?

Bush: Look, let's get one thing straight here and now. I am the queen bee. You, your readers and John Q. Citizen out there are all drone bees. You serve me. I do not serve you. That is how it works. Without me there is no hive and no honey. You got that? You want honey, you do what the queen bee tells you to do.

Virt: But Mr. President, with all due respect, that is not how democracy works. In America elected officials are supposed to follow the law and obey the Constitution.

Bush: That may have been true with previous presidents but not me.

Virt: And why is that?

Bush: Because unlike all of the others, I was chosen by God.

Virt: Some people say that it wasn't God that chose you but Justice Antonin Scalia and four other members of the Supreme Court.

Bush: OK, now you are getting me angry, you son of a bitch. Who the hell do you think you are, talkin' to me that way?

Virt: I'm just a reporter trying to do my job.

Bush: I was warned about you. I know you're not like all of the other reporters. You've pissed me off before. You dig around, find out stuff no one should know, all our dirty laundry. never showin' us the proper respect our power demands like all of the other reporters. Why can't you be like Russert, Broder, Hume and all the rest?

Virt: Why? Because I am not a whore, Mr. President.

Bush: No, no, that's not it. You're a whore. I'm a whore. Everybody's a whore. I just don't think we've found your price yet. So, what's it going to take?

Virt: What?

Bush: You heard me. What's it going to take? One phone call and I can get you your own network show, a book deal, a secret account in Switzerland. You name it. We could use someone like you. You know, truth be told, I don't fully trust people like Russert, Hume and all of the others who roll over as soon as you rub their bellies. Someone like you, someone who's harder to crack. I respect that.

Virt: Thank you, Mr. President, I guess.

Bush: So, what do you say? You ready to join the team?

Virt: I don't think so.

Bush: OK, I don't need an answer now, just think about it.

Virt: Mr. President, I really don't need to think about it.

Bush: No, you keep thinking about it. I may just sweeten the pot a little.

Virt: If we can get back to the questions.

Bush: Ask away.

Virt: Mr. President, a moment ago you said God chose you to be president.

Bush: Damn right he did.

Virt: How do you know this?

Bush: He talks to me. That's how.

Virt: Really, you hear his voice?

Bush: Well, not exactly. He actually talks to Dick first.

Virt: Vice President Cheney?

Bush: Right. He talks to Cheney and then Cheney comes and tells me what he said.

Virt: And you believe the Vice President when he says he passing on to you a message from God?

Bush: Yep.

Virt: Did God through Cheney tell you to invade Iraq?

Bush: Yep.

Virt: Did God through Cheney tell you to torture detainees?

Bush: Yep, straight from God via Cheney.

Virt: Was it God that instructed you through Cheney to lower taxes on the wealthiest one percent of Americans.

Bush: Damn right.

Virt: Was it God that told you to ignore New Orleans after Katrina?

Bush: Yep, God said the place was filled with Democrats anyway.

Virt: You mean, Cheney said that.

Bush: No, Cheney was only repeatin' what God had told him to say to me, just like God told him to do.

Virt: Mr. President, has it ever occurred to you that Vice President Cheney might be insane or perhaps is simply manipulating you for his own purposes?

Bush: Naw, Dick is like the father I never had. He says I am the greatest president in the history of the country since Jefferson Davis. Would a madman or a manipulator say something like that to me?

This concludes part 1 of the Bush Interview. Part 2 will be coming soon.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Supreme Court Building To Be Painted Black

Washington, D.C. - Recently passed legislation designed to "reflect the disgrace, corruption and racism of the United States Supreme Court as demonstrated by its infamous Bush versus Gore decision which effectively disenfranchised thousands of minority voters and installed George W. Bush in the White House" means that the Supreme Court Building will soon be painted black. This action mirrors the punishment doled out to the Chicago White Sox baseball organization when its name was changed to the Chicago Black Sox after the bribery scandal of 1919 in which a number of players on the team were convicted of fixing the results of the World Series.

This unusual measure to censure the Supreme Court and its justices was quietly placed by Senator Barbara Boxer of California into a routine authorization bill which was then signed by President Bush. Only after the bill was signed into law was this provision noticed. Despite howls of protests from Republicans and the White House, they do not have sufficient votes to rescind this legislation.

Justice Antonin Scalia, who took the lead in deciding the Bush versus Gore case was said to be furious with the upcoming changes to the Supreme Court Building and the message that it sends to the country about the lack of honor and integrity exhibited by the five justices who placed their own partisan interests over those of the country and the Constitution.

In response to Scalia's angry reaction, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, "I don't know why Scalia, Thomas, and the others are surprised. If they had to install a Republican in the White House couldn't they have at least picked someone who was competent and not so thoroughly corrupt? Whether they like it or not, the Bush presidency belongs to those five justices that appointed him president. The legacy of George W. Bush is the legacy of Justices Scalia, Thomas, O'Connor, Rehnquist and Kennedy. The disaster in Iraq, the bankruptcy of America, the loss of respect in the world. That is their doing and history will not let them walk away from it."

In a related story, Assimilated Press has learned that administration lawyers have been ordered to more closely examine all pending legislation to make sure that the White House does not meet the same fate as the Supreme Court Building.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

The Great Molly Ivins

Columnist Molly Ivins died January 31. She will be missed by legions of readers whose lives she touched with her wonderful and insightful writing which could be funny, truthful and politically provocative all at the same time.

If you've ever called President Bush "Dubya", it's because Ivins, who knew Bush in high school but still managed to grow up normal, called him "Dubya" first in her column in The Texas Observer. If you haven't yet read "Bushwacked" do yourself a favor and go find a copy.

Here are some of "Molly Ivins Greatest Hits":

On Ronald Reagan when he was President: "If he gets even more sedate, we will have to water him twice a week."

On a speech by right-wing commentator Pat Buchanan: "It probably sounded better in the original German."

Here's one from years ago that applies to today's foreign policy: "The first rule of holes; when you're in one, stop digging."

She could really go to town on Dubya: "Everyone knows the man has no clue, but no one there has the courage to say it. I mean, good gawd, the man is as he always has been; barely adequate."

Or, "Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”

And, "What stuns me most about contemporary politics is not even that the system has been so badly corrupted by money. It is that so few people get the connection between their lives and what the bozos do in Washington and our state capitols."

This is from her last column, written 3 weeks before she died: "We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there."

Take a look at that last quote again: "Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous" - I'm not sure if Molly Ivins ever read Assimilated Press. But, I bet she would have liked it.

Written by pinko

Dennis Miller Loses License To Practice Comedy

Poughkeepsie, New York - Today, the International Union of Comedians took the highly unusual measure of stripping Dennis Miller of his license to practice comedy. This action resulted from a near unanimous vote among the rank and file comedians in the union who expressed sadness that Miller forced them into this severe disciplinary measure.

Summing up the feelings of many of those present, famed comic Robin Williams said to reporters shortly after the vote, "Whoa, are those microphones or are you just happy to see me. But seriously, as a member in long standing of the International Union of Comedians, I voted along with my brethren and sistren to take away Dennis Miller's license to practice comedy because it was the right thing to do. It's not just that he isn't funny. It's because he is so unfunny that he is an embarrassment to the rest of us. In fact, a trip to the dentist's office is funnier than Dennis Miller. Need I say more?"

Because of the decertification of his comic status, Dennis Miller will no longer be able to call himself a comedian or practice the comedic arts anywhere in the contiguous United States. However, he will be allowed to refer to himself as an ex-comedian or former funnyman. Miller will also be able to apply for re-certification of his comedy license if he is able to prove at a later date that he is capable of being funny or relevant.