Sealy Introduces Money Saver Mattress
In response to recent government rescues of Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, American International Group (AIG), bank failures, Bear Sterns, the bankruptcy of Lehman Brothers and the fire sale of Merrill Lynch, Sealy Mattress Corporation has introduced a line of "money saver" mattresses designed for the anxious American investor.
"There really is no such thing as a safe bet anymore," said Tucker Yap, spokesman for Sealy Mattress Corporation. "Our grandparents lived through The Great Depression and we all now see the wisdom of their advice that the best way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."
Three new Money Saver Mattresses are now available in Sealy showrooms.
The We're On a Budget model has a hidden waterproof pocket on the side of the mattress that allows easy access to cash in case of unforseen needs requiring a sudden infusion of funds. "The Budget model is great for young families who are trying to establish economic security but who may also need to cover car repairs, home repairs or other emergencies," said Mr. Yap.
The next model up in price is the I'm Worried and Confused. This model features a hidden waterproof and fireproof pocket on the underside of the mattress. "The Worried and Confused is for the investor who is comfortable enough now but concerned that the current economic instability may threaten near-future cash flow and retirement plans," said Mr. Yap.
The ultimate in the Sealy Mattress Saver line is The Retiree. This mattress features an inner-mattress pocket that is waterproof, fireproof and dust-mite proof. In addition, the mattress itself converts into a raft in case of hurricaines or floods, and an additional easy-access side pocket has a battery-operated cooler to keep medications at correct temperatures for extended lengths of time in the event of power outtages. Struts sewn into the mattress edges can be raised, turning the sheets into a tent to avoid living in community shelters or FMEA trailers. Also for sale is a specially-designed pillow that provides good neck support and a groove on the pillow's underside perfect for placing a loaded shotgun to deter looters. The pillow has been approved by the American Chiropractic Association.
"We understand that Americans are anxious about their money. Putting your money in your mattress is a time-honored American tradition which is making a comeback," explained Mr. Yap. "Sealy is helping the consumers protect their hard-earned assests."
Questioned about the wisdom of putting money into a no-growth financial instrument, Mr. Yap snorted, "Ask the folks who had Enron, 'If you had your life to live over again which would you pick - the market or your mattress?' "