Republicans Oppose Masturbation Before Marriage

Washington, D.C. - The Republican Party announced today that opposition to masturbation before marriage will be in the party platform for the 2006 election. Rick Santorum, who introduced the measure, said "It is important to think only good pure thoughts and not to think about Ann Coulter shoving a dildo up Bill O'Reilly's ass. I mean, um, um, is this being recorded? Can we erase what I just said? Yeah, just the last part. Good." Santorum went on to say that "sex is dirty but masturbation is okay after marriage if it is done in a locked room while reading The Weekly Standard or Wall Street Journal."

To discourage masturbation before marriage, the Republican National Committee has begun distributing life size posters of Rush Limbaugh and Kate O'Beirne frolicking in the nude which when hung on bedroom walls has been shown to be 100 percent effective in stopping all sexual activity (side effects include nausea and a disrespect for humanity).