Rich Officially Get Much, Much, Oh Incredibly Much, Richer
New York, New York - The We Swear We Are Not Making This Up News Group released information today that details how private equity managers avoid paying taxes and earn money for not doing so. The Blackstone Group, a firm that specializes in buying out other companies without actually producing any tangible product, will avoid paying taxes on $3.7 billion, their take from last month alone. Blackstone announced in the past few weeks that they would acquire the Hilton Hotel chain for $20.1 billion. Blackstone will pay Hilton in cash.
For the recent $3.7 billion in income, Blackstone partners will pay a deceptive $553 million in taxes; this amount will be refunded. In addition to the $553 million refund, the U.S. Government, a.k.a. Joe and Jane Taxpayer, will pay out an additional $200 million more over several years, turning the tax dodge into a sort of pension/annuity payment for poor, needy private equity fund managers. To make it even more complex, the actual company income for that month was $4.75 billion, but somehow, with skillful use of smoke and clever application of mirrors, the "taxable" amount was determined to be only $3.7 billion, for an additional savings of $1.05 billion "non-taxed" income.
In contrast, the average American will work until mid-April to pay off individual income yearly taxes.
In a related story, Harris Polling has released further information about the 19% of Americans who felt the country was “on the right track” as reported in a previous poll. Of these 19% of satisfied Americans, approximately 10% of respondents were classified as either “mentally negligible” or “lives under rock,” approximately 30% were energy company executives, 25% were private equity fund managers and 35% were classified as “connected to the Bush or Cheney families.”
Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko