Supreme Court Declares Itself Enemy Of The People

Washington, D.C. - In an expansion of its policy requiring upfront payments and minimum income requirements from petitioners, the Supreme Court today announced that it is further restricting access to the court by "ordinary citizens" by erecting barriers that will make it impossible for all but the wealthiest and well connected to overcome.

Commenting on these latest changes, Chief Justice Roberts said, "These new additions to our policy will make the court more efficient and business-like. It will also make it possible to provide better service to our preferred clients since we will no longer have to deal with ordinary citizens who just clog up the works and waste our valuable time."

Also commenting on the policy, Justice Alito said, "Common people are disgusting and smell bad." While Justice Thomas remarked, "Colored folks make me nervous."