Toyota Invents Safety Car

Susono, Japan - Toyota Motor Corporation announced recently that it has developed a safety system which will prevent drivers from running red lights and hitting pedestrians. The apparatus uses a Global Positioning System (GPS) that transmits traffic light status to an oncoming vehicle. If the driver appears to be traveling too fast to stop at the red light the system enables audio and visual warnings. If the car still fails to slow down, the system helps slow the car. For pedestrian safety, the car can detect radio signals from any approaching pedestrian who is using a transmitter device that Toyota plans to market along with the car safety system.

In America, Toyota plans to enable an automatic cell phone disabler which would block all incoming and outgoing cell phone calls while a vehicle is in motion. It also will include a makeup-mobile-alert system so that anyone attempting to apply facial cosmetics or rearrange a hairstyle in a moving vehicle will find the vehicle moving to the side and slowing to a complete stop. Another feature of the American safety system will be the McLert!, a system that detects the unwrapping of foodstuffs with one hand while driving with the other. The McLert! will be refined to include the uncapping of beverage bottles in the near future.

Further embellishments planned for the vehicle safety system include the MapQuestion?, a system that prevents anyone from trying to find out where they are on the map as an exit approaches if the car is in motion, the "I'm Turning Around and Going Home" system designed to prevent driving while distracted by bickering children, the "Cruisin' Saturday Night" system which stops drivers from focusing out the side windows at passing vehicles and pedestrians, and the Doggy Driver in which the car senses the presence of a canine head blocking the driver's side mirror. These systems are in addition to the Breathalyzer, which prevents drunk driving, the Joyrider, which detects underaged, unlicensed driving and the Old Man With A Hat, which prevents people incapable of driving on highways from entering any roadway with a speed limit higher than 15 mph.

Asked if American Toyota factories are also planning to market a device for pedestrians to alert drivers of their approach, American Toyota said they had no plans to market such a device. Tucker Wattanabe, spokesman for Toyota America, said "With all the other safety devices enabled we actually don't think there will be that many people driving."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko