Another Excerpt From the Bush Bunker Interview

Publisher’s note: We haven’t heard directly from Virt since he descended into the presidential bunker to interview President George W. Bush. However, he has managed to secret out portions of the interview before they could be screened by government censors. The following exchange is the latest installment we have received from our relentless reporter. We hope to have the full unredacted uncensored version shortly.

Virt: Mr. President, because of your invasion of Iraq, an invasion based on lies and fear mongering, hundreds of thousands of people have died, the nation is now bankrupt and America is viewed by the rest of the world with revulsion as an immoral country that has institutionalized torture and betrayed every democratic ideal that the United States once stood for.

Bush: Whoa, wait a minute there, Virty Virt. I can see that you’re a half glass empty kind of guy.

Virt: Actually, sir, I am a realist. Surely, you can see the damage that you have done over the last seven years?

Bush: Damage, what are you talking about? Everything has gone according to plan.

Virt: Plan? You mean you planned for all of this to happen?

Bush: Not all of it. Just the important stuff. You know, oil at one hundred dollars a barrel. No more Constitution, a frightened populace, a cowering opposition party. Yep, that is just as we planned it.

Virt: What about the disaster in Iraq and the horrible shape of the American economy, the complete degradation of the environment?

Bush: Oh, we’ve got a plan for that too.

Virt: Really?

Bush: Yes, and it can be described in one word, Armageddon.

Virt: Armageddon?

Bush: Yep, it’s the answer to all of our problems.

Virt: But Mr. President. Armageddon would mean the end of the world.

Bush: Damn right and that’s the beauty of the plan. I and all of my fellow believers would be welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven while all of the savages and other non-Evangelical Christians would roast in Hell. Anyway, Dick, Karl, Condi and me will ride out the worst of it in the bunker. We’ve already invited the CEOs of Exxon, Halliburton, General Electric, Time Warner, and Disney to join us. They all like the plan and have signed off on it.

Virt: Mr. President, the American people are going to be shocked to hear this.

Bush: Oh, don't be silly. The American public will never hear about this plan.

Virt: Mr. President, I am a reporter. They will hear it from me.

Bush: Oh shit! Dick said you weren’t like Russert, Broder and all the rest of them. He said you wouldn’t play along. Now, I’m gonna have to executive order your ass.

Virt: But Mr. President.

Bush: Dick! Dick! Come quick. We have an emergency.

Virt: Mr. President, who are those men with the black ski masks over their faces? Hey, get your hands off of me. Hey, stop that...