The Uncensored Bush Bunker Interview
Publisher's note: Although Virt has still not been able to directly contact us and we have no information on his whereabouts, he was able to send us his full uncensored interview with President Bush that took place deep within the bowels of the presidential bunker. This very important interview which follows arrived at our offices on a mini-cassette that was stuffed inside a Mickey Mouse doll manufactured in China that is commonly sold in most Wal-Marts.
Virt: Mr. President, in order to get this interview with you, I had to go through eight hours of security checks that included full body body searches, intensive interrogation and numerous x-rays. Isn't that a little excessive? You are protected down here in your underground bunker.
Bush: Well, Virty Virt, what you went through is standard protocol for anyone who wants to see me, even Laura and the twins have to go through it.
Virt: That does make me feel a little better. However, the obvious question is why do you feel the need to spend so much time in your bunker sealed off from the rest of the world?
Bush: Me, sealed off? Hardly, I get all the news about the world and stuff from Condi and Dick. For instance, I know that they took Britney's kids away from her, that the economy is booming, that Hillary is a lesbian drug running serial killer, that we are winning in Iraq and that the American people love and respect me.
Virt: Cheney and Rice told you all that?
Bush: Yep, and that I am the greatest president of the United States since Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus.
Virt: Mr. President, Christopher Columbus was an explorer, not a president of the United States.
Bush: Virty Virt, you should know better than to contradict me. I got a diploma from Harvard. I damn well know who was president before me.
Virt: With all due respect, many people say that the only reason you got a diploma from Harvard is because you were a legacy admission who got a free pass and didn't even have to attend classes.
Bush: Oh, I see. You are one of those people who discriminate against children of the super rich just because we have everything handed to us on a silver platter and don't have to struggle like the peons who serve us. Well, let me tell you something. Life is harder for us than you realize. It isn't easy being morally superior and privileged.
Virt: Yes, I can see how that would be a burden for you.
Bush: Was that a sarcastic remark. I hate sarcastic remarks.
Virt: No, Mr. President. It was simply an observation.
Bush: Okay then, that's better.
Virt: Since we are on this topic, I guess it would be a good time to point out that your administration is known as the most anti-science administration in the history of the country. For instance, your approach to global warming is contradicted by virtually all of the experts in the world who are not employed by Exxon Mobil.
Bush: Well, that's just elitist nonsense. Everyone knows that global warming is caused by methane gas produced when Islamofascists fart.
Virt: Mr. President, that is an astounding statement. Do you have any evidence to back up that claim.
Bush: Evidence! I'm the president of the United States. I don't need no stinkin' evidence. If I say it is so, then it is so.
Virt: And that is why your critics say your administration is a throwback to the Dark Ages. Many of them point out that your reasoning concerning global warming echoes the Catholic church's refusal to accept Ptolemy's scientifically reasoned conclusion that the earth revolves around the sun and not Copernicus's view that the sun revolves around the earth. They even imprisoned and threatened to torture Galileo over his confirmation of the Ptolemaic system.
Bush: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Virty Virt. You're throwing around a lot of mumbo jumbo there. I don't know who these characters, Ptolemy and Copernicus are but I do know one thing for sure and that is that the sun does revolve around the earth. Every moron knows that.
Virt: Hmm, perhaps you are right about that. Maybe we should shift gears with another line of questioning. Mr. President, your attorney general got into some difficulty over his inability to say whether or not waterboarding is torture by claiming that he hadn't had enough time to study the issue. You, on the other hand, have not only had enough time to study the issue but you have been intimately involved in its practice. So, I ask you directly, is waterboarding torture?
Bush: I'm glad you asked me that question, Virty Virt because there has been a lot of dismisinformation out there. First of all, let me state that we don't do torture. Now, to answer your question, is waterboarding torture? Of course not. It is a useful technique in our interrogation arsenal. You have to remember, these evil doers are not people but animals and we have to use all the tools at our disposal to keep America safe. By the way, these enhanced interrogations have been very effective.
Virt: Effective? How has waterboarding been effective?
Bush: Well, it has enabled us to uncover serious plots against the United States before they could be carried out. For instance, through the use of waterboarding we have discovered a terrorist plot to use thousands of Jackalopes to invade America from the Canadian border and that's not all. We have also learned of an alliance between al Qaeda and extraterrestrials that planned to unleash giant spiders from Mars to wreck havoc upon the United States of America.
Virt: Jackalopes, giant spiders from Mars, Mr. President, with all due respect, that is just crazy,
Bush: That's not half as crazy as some things I could tell you but won't because they are classified. Anyway, the point is that with our enhanced interrogation methods we were able to stop these attacks before they occurred. We are even more effective than Jack Bauer.
Virt: But Jack Bauer is a fictional character.
Bush: That doesn't change anything. He is an American hero who has saved countless lives through his split second decisions.
Virt: Mr. President, it is a television program. It isn't real.
Bush: That's your opinion. Anyway, the point is, Jack Bauer is a role model, an American hero. We need more men like him. Men who aren't afraid to crawl into the gutter for their commander-in-chief. That's what I look for in my underlings.
Virt: This is all very fascinating, but I see our time is drawing short as is your time remaining in office. Mr. President, what do you feel your greatest accomplishment will be when your term finally comes to an end in January of 2009?
Bush: Who said anything about my term ending? Dick says I can stay as long as I like.
Virt: Mr. President, the Twenty-Second Amendment to the Constitution limits you to two terms in office.
Bush: Like that's a problem.
Virt: But there is going to be an election in 2008 to select the next president.
Bush: Maybe and maybe not. We haven't decided yet. Anyway, it's not like elections matter. We proved that in Florida and Ohio. What matters is who you got sitting on the Supreme Court, and we're covered there.
Virt: You mean, you've already talked about this possibility with Roberts and other members of the Supreme Court?
Bush: Virty Virt, you are so naive. You don't have to talk about this things. Everything is done with a wink and a nod. Anyway, Scalia and the rest of my boys know what I want and how to give it to me. Look at Florida, you think that was an accident?
Virt: But what about the people and their right to have their votes counted? What about the Constitution?
Bush: The Constitution only applies to wealthy landowners, not the poor, Blacks or any person with a foreign sounding name. That is what the Federalist Society calls strict constructionism and that is why I have filled the judiciary with Federalist society members.
Virt: I would love to explore this further but I see that I only have time for a few more questions. So, I would like to change the topic to Iraq.
Bush: Ah yes, my crowning achievement, ask away.
Virt: Mr. President, contrary to what your advisers may be telling you, Iraq is not a crowning achievement. In fact, because of your invasion of Iraq, an invasion based on lies and fear mongering, hundreds of thousands of people have died, the nation is now bankrupt and America is viewed by the rest of the world with revulsion as an immoral country that has institutionalized torture and betrayed every democratic ideal that the United States once stood for.
Bush: Whoa, wait a minute there, Virty Virt. I can see that you’re a half glass empty kind of guy.
Virt: Actually, sir, I am a realist. Surely, you can see the damage that you have done over the last seven years?
Bush: Damage, what are you talking about? Everything has gone according to plan.
Virt: Plan? You mean you planned for all of this to happen?
Bush: Not all of it. Just the important stuff. You know, oil at one hundred dollars a barrel. No more Constitution, a frightened populace, a cowering opposition party. Yep, that is just as we planned it.
Virt: What about the disaster in Iraq and the horrible shape of the American economy, the complete degradation of the environment?
Bush: Oh, we’ve got a plan for that too.
Bush: Yes, and it can be described in one word, Armageddon.
Bush: Yep, it’s the answer to all of our problems.
Virt: But Mr. President. Armageddon would mean the end of the world.
Bush: Damn right and that’s the beauty of the plan. I and all of my fellow believers would be welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven while all of the savages and other non-Evangelical Christians would roast in Hell. Anyway, Dick, Karl, Condi and me will ride out the worst of it in the bunker. We’ve already invited the CEOs of Exxon, Halliburton, General Electric, Time Warner, and Disney to join us. They all like the plan and have signed off on it.
Virt: Mr. President, the American people are going to be shocked to hear this.
Bush: Oh, don't be silly. The American public will never hear about this plan.
Virt: Mr. President, I am a reporter. They will hear it from me.
Bush: Oh shit! Dick said you weren’t like Russert, Broder and all the rest of them. He said you wouldn’t play along. Now, I’m gonna have to executive order your ass.
Virt: But Mr. President.
Bush: Dick! Dick! Come quick. We have an emergency.
Virt: Mr. President, who are those men with the black ski masks over their faces? Hey, get your hands off of me. Hey, stop that...
Bush: Remember, Virty Virt, being president is never having to say you're sorry.