Don't Tase Me to ABBA Bro!

New York - Taser International has unveiled its Taser MPH, a combination Taser and MP3 player. Tucker Yap, spokesman for Taser International explained, "Non-police/non-military consumers wanted a multi-function taser that is compatible with their lifestyles. We thought of a taser-cellphone but a taser-MP3 just seemed right."

For those who say "why not a Taser-camera?", sorry, too late; there already is a taser/video combo which allows the user to relive those wonderful moments watching someone twitch helplessly on the ground. With Tasers now coming in zebra stripes and shocking pink as well as a variety of other designs and colors, Taser International expects that tasers will soon become the hottest new must-have fashion accessory for the well-heeled vigilante.

Other manufacturers in the protective device field are scrambling to catch up to Taser's lead. Uzi plans to offer the Uzi Boy, a combination Uzi-Game Boy allowing users to combine business with pleasure while racking up Casualty Credits for evey kill. Flame-throwers will have a Cool Ray setting for blow-drying and hairstyling, handheld grenade-launchers will come with a popcorn popper option, and Civil War bayonets are being retrofitted with vegetable peelers.