Super-Delegates To Judge Swimsuit, Talent Competitions

Atlantic City, New Jersey - Democratic Party super-delegates have agreed to decide the competition for their primary presidential nominee based on the outcome of traditional contests of looks and talent. Both candidates, Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton, have agreed to compete in a swimsuit competition and a talent show.

Tucker Yap, a super-delegate from California, was enthusiastic about the prospect of judging the candidates in this way. "It's part of the American tradition to pick candidates based on attributes that have absolutely nothing to do with the qualifications for the job. After all, Bush got elected because people felt they'd rather have a beer with him in their backyards than with Kerry, but knocking back brewskis in Joe Shmo's backyard is not part of the oath to 'preserve and protect the Constitution.' Besides, lots of super-delegates are curious to see Obama in a one-piece halter swimsuit and stiletto heels. Frankly, he looks like he might have spindly- kinda legs."

For the talent competition, Sen. Clinton will perform a juggling act where she will balance the budget, juggle special interests and run circles around Sen. Obama's policy proposals. Sen. Obama will demonstrate his skill at sounding great about how everything has to change without actually saying anything about how he intends to make that change happen.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko