McCain Pledges Victory In Vietnam

Midland, Michigan - Today while campaigning at the Dow Chemical Company's world headquarters, Senator John McCain boldly pledged to reopen the Vietnam War so that America could have one more chance to finish it and declare victory.

Speaking to an enthusiastic gathering of Dow's shareholders, McCain tied the war in Iraq to the war in Vietnam and said, "America can not have victory in Iraq until it has victory in Vietnam. That is why my first act as President will be to send American troops to Vietnam in order to finish the job. We will retake Ho Chi Min City and change its name back to Saigon and then we will bomb Hanoi until they beg me to accept their surrender and then I will personally raise the American flag in Hanoi. This time we are going to do it right, my friends."

McCain then encouraged Dow to once again produce napalm and concluded his comments by saying, "More war is what we need to jump-start this economy."

Senator McCain's pledge was immediately praised as another example of the straight-shooting talk, foreign policy experience and downright manliness of Senator McCain that the press corps has come to know, love and admire.

Said Chris Matthews of MSNBC, "Wow! What a guy. No one but McCain is bold enough or man enough to refight the Vietnam War. Neither Obama or Clinton are this daring. Forget Hard Ball, when it comes to McCain, I've got a hard-on, and I'm not the only one, so do Broder, Russert and all of his other buddies in the press."

Aides to McCain say that he is also considering the invasion of North Korea and Quebec, Canada. When questioned why Quebec would be invaded, aides responded by saying, "They speak French, don't they?"