Cheney Not Really Cheney
Washington, D.C. - A subpoena issued to the Vice President yesterday by the Senate Judiciary Committee has been rejected by the Vice President's office. Dana Perillo, press liaison for the Vice President, said that the subpoena was invalid because there is no one named Cheney in the Vice President's office.
"A subpoena is a legal document and has to be addressed to the correct recipient," said Ms. Perillo. "There is no one named Cheney in the Vice President's office. There is no such person to give the subpoena to."
Asked why the Vice President has called himself "Cheney" if that is not his name Ms. Perillo said "Due to security concerns both the President and the Vice President felt it was more prudent for the Vice President's true identity to remain concealed. Those who wish to harm America would have much big magic and serious mojo if they knew the Vice President's real name. We can't allow that to happen."
Ms. Perillo, in response to questioning, said that the Vice President's real name was in a safe undisclosed location. She also stressed that if the need ever arose the Vice President would be able to retrieve his real name "within minutes."
"This country has not been attacked again. That is due to the many measures we have taken to win the war on terror, including not revealing the Vice President's true name. Everything changed after 9/11 and we're facing a new kind of enemy. Al Qaeda is constantly scheming on how to get their hands on the Vice President's old high school gym locker combination, or his toenail clippings, or a pizza delivery coupon his third cousin once used. That's why everything and anything having to do with the Vice President and his office is classified. This is a clash of civilizations and the safety of all freedom loving people everywhere depends on the Vice President being able to remain completely hidden from view."
While all information about the Vice President is shrouded in secrecy, Washington insiders say that, in reality, the man who calls himself "Cheney" is at least 30 pounds heavier and several inches taller.
Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko