Bill O'Reilly Renews Contract With Satan

New York, New York - After vigorous and often tense negotiations, Bill O'Reilly and Satan were finally able to come to agreement on the terms for renewing O'Reilly's contract. Sources close to the Fox News personality have told Assimilated Press that O'Reilly's new deal with the devil entitles him to a life time association with Fox News, all the luffa sponges he could ever use and a steady supply of subservient female aides who will tolerate his misogynistic remarks and crude behavior. Also included in the agreement is a large amount of money, high ratings and a stockpile of fabricated controversies to prevaricate on.

In return, O"Reilly has signed over his soul to Satan and agreed to eternal damnation in hell. In commenting on his pact with the devil, O'Reilly said "All in all, I think I got a pretty good deal from Satan. All Hume and Hannity got for their souls was a raise and a couple of hookers."