Jack Bauer Tortures Daughter To Get Confession

Los Angeles, California - Assimilated Press has learned that early last week American counter-intelligence agent Jack Bauer tortured his twenty year old daughter Kim until she admitted that she had withdrawn 200 dollars from his bank account by stealing his ATM card.

When questioned about this by Assimilated Press, Bauer admitted that he had engaged in some enhanced interrogation techniques on his only child in order to find out if she was the one who had stolen his money. Said Bauer, "I had no choice. The unauthorized withdrawal had dangerously depleted my funds and checks were starting to bounce. I had to act quickly. The clock was ticking and I was running out of time. Fortunately, after a few bouts of waterboarding, a broken kneecap and some electrical jolts from a wall socket, I got the truth from my daughter."

Doctors said that Kim Bauer should be released from the hospital in six weeks and that it is likely she will regain most of the use of her left leg after extensive therapy.

In a later development, a transient was found with Bauer's ATM card and 200 dollars in cash. Apparently, Jack Bauer had left the card in the ATM machine on his last transaction and the transient used it after Bauer left to make the unauthorized withdrawal.

Commenting on this latest twist in the story, Bauer said "Wow, I guess Kim didn't steal the money from me after all. I wonder why she confessed if she was innocent. Oh well, I'll make it up to her when she gets out of the hospital."