Cheney Tortures Logic & Stretches Truth

Washington, D.C. - White House insiders admitted today that Vice President Cheney was observed torturing logic. “The Vice President,” said one staffer who wished to remain anonymous, “is torturing logic and also using a rack to stretch the truth.” The Vice President, who in the past has claimed executive privilege to refuse oversight of his office, has now claimed that he is not part of the Executive branch after all. Mr. Cheney asserts that since his vote serves as the tie-breaker in the Senate and he attends Senate sessions, he is actually part of the Legislative branch. However, Mr. Cheney also has refused to comply with the oversight authority of the legislature, claiming his executive privilege.

“It was horrible,” said the staffer, voice shaking, as he described watching the Vice President torturing logic and truth. “He kept turning the crank on the rack and stretching truth further and further until finally it just snapped. All the while Cheney was shooting piercing glances and hammering the truth with questions. Then he took a whip and tortured logic until logic was moaning and babbling. By the time Cheney was done logic was helplessly and hopelessly illogical. Then he moved on to drowning out protest using a waterboard.“

Asked if President Bush had taken part in the torture the staffer replied, “No, the President wasn’t available to torture logic and stretch truth because he was off somewhere else mangling syntax.”

Tony Snow, White House press spokesman, refuted the charges that the Vice President tortured logic or stretched truth. “We are facing a terrible enemy, which is why it is of the utmost importance to national security that the taxpayers not know how many staffers they are paying to work in the Vice President’s office. It is also vital that no one in America knows who Cheney is meeting with or where he goes. No one should know this crucial information, certainly not regular Americans or Congress, and probably not even the President.”

When asked why citizens should not know what their public servant was doing, Mr. Snow replied, “It’s right there in the Constitution. I’m not sure exactly where, because I’m not a Constitutional scholar like the Vice President is, but he claims it’s in there and I accept his explanation. And so should you.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko