Thursday, June 28, 2007

No Nukes For Nude Beaches

Boston, Massachusetts - UK news outlet The Inquirer on June 26, 2007 revealed that the FBI has visited top US technical universities in an effort to stop American college students from going abroad during vacations. MIT, Boston College and U of Mass were reported as having been warned of foreign spies, terrorists and the need to safeguard high-tech research. Evidently the FBI wants the universities to "impose rules that will stop US university students from working late at the campus, traveling abroad, showing an interest in their colleagues' work, having friends outside the United States, engaging in independent research or making extra money without the prior consent of the authorities."

The FBI gave a list of guidelines to university administrators. On the list was the suggestion that faculty, staff and students be encouraged to spy on each other to better inform the FBI of any suspicious behavior.

Assimilated Press contacted Dr. Honoris Causa, Dean of Technology at the Sam Adams School of Technology, to question her about her reaction to the FBI visits. "I'm not quite sure what the FBI is thinking," mused Dr. Causa. "Are they worried that while students are at a nude beach someone will steal nuclear secrets out of the pockets they are not wearing? Or, perhaps the FBI is afraid American students going overseas will get a chance to see what a real democracy looks like and come back with ideas."

Speculating on the FBI domestic guidelines Dr. Causa said "Students always work late; that's why it's called an all-nighter and not an all-dayer. This could be the death of the pizza delivery industry. As for having friends outside the US, doesn't that Bush friend, 'Bandar Bush', live in Saudi Arabia, you know, the country the real terrorists actually came from? I'm not sure how making extra money could be prohibited, anyway. Besides, what's extra? Most graduate stipends are slightly less than indentured servitude."

Asked about whether students should engage in independent research or be interested in their colleagues' work Dr. Causa laughed. "I'd be delighted if our students engaged in independent research or were interested in learning about other peoples' academic studies", she said. "Mostly students are engaged in loud parties and they tend to show the most interest in sex, drugs and rock n' roll. They also spend a certain amount of time sniffing their socks to see if they can get one more wearing out of them before having to do the laundry."

In a related story, the American Nazi Party, the Federation of Former Soviet Secret Police, the Retired East German Border Guard Marching and Bratwurst Society, Xenophobes R Us, Paranoids United, the Dick Cheney Fan Club, North Korean Dear Leader Admiration Society, and Morons for More Repression have issued a joint statement welcoming the guidelines.

Campus Pizza Delivery, an umbrella group representing pizza, tacos, soft drinks, cookies and snack food vending machines, has loudly condemned the FBI guidelines.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko


Anonymous Erika said...

Cheney solution; revoke the passports of American students and confine them to their dorms.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better yet - send out the minions to blanket the airwaves with talking points about how dangerous higher education really is. Lou Dobbs can say that large groups of students together breeds leprosy, the Surgeon General can say that being at a university is dangerous for the female mind and causes wrinkles, O'Reilly can claim there are students at public universities at taxpayer expense majoring in pornography, Fred Thompson can say that students would learn about civics by watching reruns of Law and Order, and finally, the Supreme Court can rule that there is no right to education.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous stogoe said...

already done that, anonymous. What next?

6:08 AM  

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