Monday, June 11, 2007

Paris Hilton In Bloody Escape Flees To Malibu

Malibu, California - Today, in a daring prison break, Paris Hilton overpowered a guard, took his gun, shot three deputies and escaped from Twin Towers Correctional Facility in central Los Angeles. Shortly after shooting her way out of the prison, Hilton commandeered a Mercedes SL650 Roadster from a startled Amway salesman and then drove to Malibu where she sought refuge at Mel Gibson's palatial estate.

Within hours, dozens of police officers surrounded the estate but they were quickly outnumbered by representatives of the world media who set up satellite uplinks and began broadcasting about the siege in Malibu nonstop as tension continued to mount.

During the course of the afternoon, Paris Hilton fired several shots from Gibson's compound to keep the police at bay and was heard yelling out of a broken window that she would not go back to that hell hole in Los Angeles and that they would never take her alive. Unfortunately, her vow may not just be the bravado of a young celebrity known exclusively for her partying and haughty attitude as witnesses have informed Assimilated Press that Mel Gibson had not only given her sanctuary but had also opened up his substantial arsenal of automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades for her personal use.

Said Gibson, "I'm not going to let the Jews crucify Paris Hilton the way they tried to crucify me. They got her drunk same as me and then they forced us to drive so they could arrest us. It's a conspiracy plain and simple. Why do you think bread tears when you spread peanut butter on it? Huh? It's the Jews. Why is there Day Light Saving Time? The Jews. And why do traffic lights turn red just before you get to them? Also, the Jews."

Sheriff Baca said that he was negotiating with his good friend Mel Gibson and that he thought a peaceful resolution was possible. To show his good faith, Baca acquiesced to a number of Paris Hilton's demands which included two cases of vodka, a hairdresser, a pirated DVD of Weekend at Bernie's and four personal servants.

The standoff is expected to last for many days and Assimilated Press will remain on the scene to give you the latest breaking news.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks to Assimilated Press for your coverage of this important distraction from real news. After all, we can never get too much Paris Hilton coverage.

"When Paris suffers, we all suffer."


8:28 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Who stole the other sock from the dryer? How come THEY somehow always get to the front of the line at the Motor Vehicle Bureau? It's an international conspiracy, plain and simple - and the rest of you had better wake up before it's too late.

9:45 AM  

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