Dick Cheney Shoots Santa Claus In Cold Blood

Publisher's note: In honor of Christmas, Assimilated Press is republishing last year's heartwarming classic tale of Santa, private property and the Second Amendment

Washington, D.C. - Santa may be a beloved figure in the hearts and minds of children everywhere but when it comes to the Vice President of the United States he is nothing more than a pesky trespasser deserving of frontier justice. Unfortunately for Santa, he learned the hard way that there are men whose hearts are made of coal and who consider compassion to be a sign of weakness, men who are not nice but naughty.

Santa made his fatal mistake while taking a test run of his sleigh and reindeer in preparation for his annual Christmas trek to deliver gifts to all of the kids in the world who have not pouted or cried. Caught in a sudden blizzard, Santa made an emergency landing at the first clearing he could find. It turns out that it was the front lawn of Vice President Dick Cheney's official Washington residence. Hearing the crash of the sleigh and the sounds of the reindeer, Cheney burst out of the front door with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

Seeing the disheveled man, Santa shouted out, "Ho, ho, ho, and a merry Christmas to you."

To which Cheney replied, "You're on private property you gift giving socialist scumbag" before shooting Santa twice, mortally wounding him.

The Vice President then methodically shot Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Donder, Blitzen, Cupid and Comet as they remained harnessed to Santa's sleigh. Turning to his wife Lynne, as she walked out of the house in her bathrobe, Cheney said, "Looks like we will be having venison for Christmas."