Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Kansas Farmer Sees Cheney's Face In Cowpie

Wichita, Kansas - When Bob Delvechio went out for his morning chores ten days ago he had no idea how radically his life was about to change. But, when he approached his favorite cow, Ann Michelle, he knew that something big had just occurred. There, on the ground next to Ann Michelle, was a fresh pile of steaming cow manure that bore an identical likeness to the Vice President of the United States.

Delvechio, a lifelong Republican, immediately recognized the significance of what lay before him and wasted no time in contacting the local newspapers. As word of this mysterious manifestation spread throughout the country it triggered a mass pilgrimage among the Republican faithful who began to flock to Bob Delvechio's farm for this once in a lifetime opportunity to see this amazing cowpie that looks exactly like Dick Cheney, the most powerful man in America.

Within days, a makeshift campground holding thousands of people was constructed on Delvechio's farm to shelter all of the new inhabitants. They were quickly joined by enterprising businessmen who brought in rides and amusements to create a carnival-like atmosphere complete with food stands that offered hot dogs, hamburgers and cotton candy to the throngs of hungry travelers.

Adding to the excitement was a palpable religious fervor as many pilgrims felt that they were witnesses to an event that was much bigger than themselves. In fact, so powerful was this feeling that a group of worshippers built a shrine around the famous cowpie where they could come to pray daily. Alice Shrimpwater from Joliet, Illinois spoke for many of the assembled worshippers when she said, "This isn't just a cowpie that looks like Dick Cheney. It is a message from the Lord. It's a miracle."

For farmer Bob Delvechio this truly was a gift from God or at least manna from heaven as he charged visitors ten dollars apiece to have their pictures taken with Ann Michele who was now the most famous cow in the world. To add to this sudden windfall, Delvechio also set up a concession stand that sold Dick Cheney souvenir cowpies that were freshly gathered from his field. Said a happy Bob Delvechio, "My cowpies are selling like hot cakes."

Assimilated Press will continue to report from the scene as new developments arise.


Blogger fim1ur2 said...

"Alice Shrimpwater from Joliet, Illinois ... said, "This isn't just a cowpie that looks like Dick Cheney. It is a message from the Lord. It's a miracle."

The message? - "Don't you people see what a load of manure this guy is?"

The 'miracle'? - No, they don't, even though this is an obvious example of 'Intelligent Design.'

I'll take the Flying Spaghetti Monster every time!


3:36 AM  
Blogger Eyes of the World said...

Where is the Madonna of a heifer that unloaded such a miraculous "birth"? Are they building her a special stall? Is the Delvechio farm on the bus route?

5:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My cowpies are selling like hot cakes."

Beef cattle produce more than four times their weight in manure in a year, about three tonnes each.

What a great business! The farmer should clone the holy cow, and (of course) give the VP at least 50% of the proceeds for letting the cowpies using his holy image. Imagine all the great possibilities!

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God keeps trying to help us. Next we will see the blood of innocents running from Cheney's eyes ears and nse.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Wall Street Report:

Standard Candy Company stock rose sharply in afternoon trading yesterday after word of a signing deal with Bob Delvechio.

Mr. Delvechio, owner of the cow that produced a manure likeness of Vice President Cheney, has signed a contract with Standard Candy Company. The contract authorizes use of the famous cowpie as a template for a new candy to be manufactured at Standard Candy's main plant in Nashville TN.

Standard Candy, famous for GooGoo Clusters, plans to market the new confection, the MooGoo, in Q1 2007.

Stock for Cadbury Schweppes Americas Beverages (CSAB), owner of RC Cola, fell slightly when analysts learned a deal with Mr. Delvechio for an RC-and-Cowpie combo product would not be completed.

In a related development, bond prices were affected as work was halted on a $40M solid waste recycling plant in Wichita, Kansas. U.S. Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R- Wichita)stated "We in Kansas are humbled that our state was chosen as the site of the Cowpie Epiphany. It is our duty as Americans and Christians to protect all solid waste."

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Makena said...

Thanks for another great report, Assimilated Press. I look forward to these everyday.

10:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is hilarious! Something about the title "...Cheney's Face In A Cowpie" that has such a poetic ring to it.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a hoot! Farmer Delvechio should look into selling this most unusual example of devine art from the heavens on EBay. After all,some devout republican with more money than they know what to do with paid $30,000 for some grilled cheese with the likeness of Jesus. This is every bit a miracle as that. His seller name could be something like true american bullshit.He should get started immediately as I'm sure Ann Michele will be excreting the likeness of Bush, Condi and Rummy soon. Maybe show her some pictures for encouragement.

6:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He should give Dick deferred stock options the crap.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Miracle, my ass. I see Cheney's face in almost every pile of feces I see, no matter what species deposits it.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

Lwaynos' Quotes:"Well, what I wanna know is, "does the Turd Blosson deficate in the woods, or in Kansas? Georgie-Boy Bush, The Presinator

1:40 AM  

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