Federal Prosecutors Subpoena Santa
Washington, D.C. - Federal prosecutors today subpoenaed Santa Claus to gain access to a list the toy distributor allegedly has been keeping for calendar year 2007. Marcia Funebre, Justice Department spokesperson, said that the list could prove valuable in the ongoing War on Terror. "To our knowledge this is a list that details who has been naughty and who has been nice. This list will prove invaluable in locating sleeper cells of anti-social behavior which threaten the safety of America."
An attorney for Mr. Claus, Tucker Yap, disputes the need of the government to have this list. "This is a private list from a philanthropic agency," said Mr. Yap, "Although we are vigilant in double-verifying the names and actions on the list we can not vouch for its complete accuracy. It should not be used as evidence of wrong-doing."
The ACLU has filed suit alleging that governmental view of the list is a violation of freedom of speech. The Justice Department has countered that if Mr. Claus does not comply in turning over the list to the government the DOJ would consider barring Mr. Claus' toy-distribution activities under the interstate commerce statutes.
"Naughtiness is a short step from evil-doing," cautioned Dana Perillo, White House Press Liaison," Naughtiness is a gateway to far worse actions. A person doesn't suddenly wake up evil. It starts small, and we need to locate these enemies of America before they have chance to do us harm."
Asked if indications of extreme naughtiness, such as blowing up small helpless animals, would occasion further governmental actions against the perpetrators, Ms. Perillo replied, "All options are on the table."
Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko