Knock, Knock, Not
Because of recent events such as this one, Assimilated Press is republishing this set of helpful guidelines from June 16, 2006
Instructions on how to act when the police crash unannounced through your door at midnight as newly authorized by the US Supreme Court.
Don't panic. Don't run. Don't make any sudden moves. Don't look the authorities directly in the eyes. Make sure your papers are in order. Speak only when spoken to and in a respectful manner. Always end every sentence with "sir." Apologize even if you did nothing wrong. Have your entire family recite The Pledge of Allegiance without missing a word and in perfect harmony. Make sure your American flag is prominently displayed in the living room. Do not have any books, videos or CDs by known subversives such as Michael Moore, Albert Gore, The Dixie Chicks, George Clooney, Kurt Vonnegut, William Shakespeare, etc., etc. Calmly tell the authorities that you support George W. Bush, that you believe in a Christian God, that you think homosexuality is an abomination and should be outlawed along with the Democratic Party.
If you do everything on this list your chances of being tortured and held without charges will be dramatically reduced. If you do not follow these instructions prepare for a long stay at your nearest Haliburton Resort & Spa.