McCain Praised By Media After Killing Puppy & Slapping Baby Girl

Centerville, Ohio - It was just another day on the campaign trail for Senator John McCain who was giving his standard stump speech in front of members of the local chamber of commerce and their families when he was suddenly interrupted by a barking puppy and a crying baby girl in the audience.

Thrown off-stride by this disturbance, McCain visibly became increasingly agitated as the veins in his forehead bulged and his face turned beet red. After a few more seconds he reached his boiling point and exploded in anger as he shouted out "Somebody shut that fuckin' baby up and give that god damn dog a swift kick in the ribs to stop its yappin'."

Unfortunately, McCain's outburst had the opposite effect than the one he intended. Instead of ending the interruptions, his words frightened the baby girl causing her to cry more and they also upset the puppy making it bark louder and more frequently.

At his wit's end, the Republican nominee stopped his speech and angrily left the podium as he pushed his way into the crowd until he reached the crying baby girl and her mother who was holding her. With his eyes glaring and his lips trembling, McCain spit into the mother's face and slapped the baby girl. Then, he grabbed a gun from a secret service agent and shot the puppy repeatedly until it dropped to the ground dead.

McCain then waved the gun at the audience and said, "This is what happens when you fuck with John McCain. You got that. Don't fuck with John McCain!"

The senator was then hustled into a black SUV and driven back to his hotel.

Reporters who accompany McCain were quick to point out that this is the McCain they know and love. Liz Sidoti of the Associated Press said, "He is such a kind and gentle man. I have to say, he showed enormous restraint and compassion. That baby girl was asking for it and don't even get me started on the puppy."

Adding her comments on the occurrence was Jennifer Loven also of Associated Press who said, "This whole episode clearly demonstrates without any doubt that John McCain is not only a straight-shooter but that he is strong and willing to do whatever is necessary to restore order and protect the American people. Barack Obama doesn't have the guts to slap babies or shoot puppies and that's why we can't trust him to protect us from whatever it is we need to be afraid of."

Adding his always thoughtful analysis, David Broder of the Washington Post said, "What happened in Centerville today shows that John McCain has the temperament, patience and wisdom to be America's next president. In McCain's America babies won't cry and puppies won't bark. That's the kind of country I want to live in."

On a related note, shortly after McCain left the premises, the baby girl, Nancy, was arrested for creating a disturbance. She was released after her distraught mother posted bail and a court date was set.