Halliburton Luxury Resorts & Spas Coming To Your Community

Houston, Texas - Halliburton and the Department of Homeland Security jointly announced today that, in response to the demand created by recent immigration and security laws, funding has been approved by Congress to begin construction on forty new Halliburton Luxury Resorts & Spas throughout the United States. This will mean that Halliburton will now have fifty-two resorts scattered across the nation.

These heavily secure vacation getaways come equipped with the latest technology for personal entertainment including a camera to record your every move, twenty-four hour continuous lighting, and for those discerning music lovers, nonstop recordings of Ted Nugent playing at 120 decibels. Plus, each room is a spacious ten feet by ten feet and features a standard issue mattress and drab gray cinder block walls for that spartan look that is so in these days.

Recreational activities include water-boarding, hanging upside-down while handcuffed to a pipe, sexual humiliation and general degradation. For those who like animals, German Shepherds are on the premises and will be making nightly rounds.

Halliburton spokesperson Paul Loot said "We hope you enjoy your stay and especially the time you spend in our new improved Suite 101 that is part of every Halliburton Resort & Spa. We are confident that, by the time you check out, you will be a different person than the one that arrived."