Federal Government to Give Away Prize with Title V Funding
After 21 states have declined Title V funding for abstinence-only programming and declared the abstinence-only initiative to be ineffective, the federal government has announced a new plan to entice states to accept the funding: prizes.
"Remember how excited you used to be as a kid when a box of cereal came with a prize?" said Mike Leavitt, Secretary of the U.S. Administration for Children, Youth and Families. "Well it's just like that but with funding. Every $50,000 of accepted funds comes with a free gift." When pressed for questions about what the gift was, Mr. Leavitt only responded by saying, "It's a surprise."
Meanwhile the 21 states who have declined the funding are unimpressed with the federal government's response. As one state health official explained, "The free prize is tempting, but so is lowering the rate of chlamydia transmission. We just can't risk the health of our youths for what's inside the mystery box."
President Bush expressed his outrage at the states who are continuing to refuse the abstinence-only funding. "I don't understand why the states can't get on board with the program's message. It's simple-- sex is a horrible, dirty thing-- save it for the person you love and marry. Once you are married, you will never have an unplanned pregnancy, become infected with an STD or have any other sexual problem." During his statement, President Bush was seen trying to hold back a giggle, especially when he said the words "sex" and "sexual".
The remaining states who have already applied to renew their abstinence-only funding are hoping they can receive the prize retroactively. Mississippi has not only asked for their portion of the prizes, but has also inquired about whether or not they could receive the prizes allocated to states who continue to refuse the funding.
"We're hoping the prize is bibles. You can never have enough bibles," said one Mississippi Title V sub-grantee.
In related news, a survey by the CDC showed that 80% of teens believed they were already educated about sexual health because they watched the movie American Pie and remember the part where Jim's dad told Jim to use a condom. The remaining 20% of teens said that they would have seen the movie, but they couldn't find a babysitter to watch their kid.