Bush Publicly Defecates On Constitution

Washington, D.C. - Today, in a brazen display of his absolute power, President Bush instructed his aides to place the original copy of the Constitution on the lawn of the Rose Garden. Then, in front of the entire White House press core, Bush pulled down his pants, squatted and proceeded to defecate on America's most precious document. When the president finished, he pulled up his pants and proclaimed, "Our form of government is over 200 years old. We need something new."

Reaction from members of Congress was swift and overwhelmingly favorable. Senator McCain, speaking for most Republicans, said "President Bush is my kind of leader. What he says makes sense. 200 years is a long time. Besides, what is the Constitution anyway? It's just a piece paper."

The initial response from the media was also very positive. Brit Hume of Fox News said, "It takes a bold leader to point out the fact that the Founding Fathers were radicals who created a flawed document that is more fitting for a hippie commune than a great country." Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I applaud the president for this grand gesture of reform. Bush is a manly man who is sure of himself. I can't see John Kerry or Al Gore acting this decisively."

A few hours later, the president's aides gathered up the soiled Constitution and returned it to the National Archives.

This story was originally published at Assimilated Press on October 4, 2006 and is being republished on this July 4th in memory of the constitutional rights that have been lost over the last seven years.