Republican Leadership Blasts Pages For Immoral Behavior

Washington, D.C. - In a joint news conference today, Speaker Dennis Hastert and Majority Leader John Boehner severely criticized young male congressional pages for dressing in a seductive manner that encouraged advances from Republican congressman. Said Hastert, "We need to put the blame for this sordid behavior exactly where it belongs, on the pages. They prance around all bright-eyed and eager to please. Sometimes, they take off their ties and unbutton the tops of their shirts. And, those pants, those tight, tight pants, they should be ashamed of themselves, leading us on like that."

Majority Leader John Boehner added, "These pages look up to us Republicans in Congress. They see us protecting the nation's security from terrorists and it is very attractive to them. We appear manly, strong, forceful and virile. Sometimes these young pages can't control themselves and they throw themselves at us, tempting us with their youthful hard bodies. Their behavior is shameful, simply shameful, and they should be punished for it. Congressman Foley and the entire Republican leadership are the real victims here. Not these young pages who are stalking us for their own sexual gratification."

In a related development, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has opened a criminal investigation into the conduct of the young male congressional pages. Solicitation charges against the pages are expected.