Monday, October 02, 2006

Republican Leadership Blasts Pages For Immoral Behavior

Washington, D.C. - In a joint news conference today, Speaker Dennis Hastert and Majority Leader John Boehner severely criticized young male congressional pages for dressing in a seductive manner that encouraged advances from Republican congressman. Said Hastert, "We need to put the blame for this sordid behavior exactly where it belongs, on the pages. They prance around all bright-eyed and eager to please. Sometimes, they take off their ties and unbutton the tops of their shirts. And, those pants, those tight, tight pants, they should be ashamed of themselves, leading us on like that."

Majority Leader John Boehner added, "These pages look up to us Republicans in Congress. They see us protecting the nation's security from terrorists and it is very attractive to them. We appear manly, strong, forceful and virile. Sometimes these young pages can't control themselves and they throw themselves at us, tempting us with their youthful hard bodies. Their behavior is shameful, simply shameful, and they should be punished for it. Congressman Foley and the entire Republican leadership are the real victims here. Not these young pages who are stalking us for their own sexual gratification."

In a related development, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has opened a criminal investigation into the conduct of the young male congressional pages. Solicitation charges against the pages are expected.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, you rock

6:18 PM  
Anonymous John Cullison said...


That was great. They're gonna be pissed that they didn't think of it first (before it could be ridiculed for the insanity it is).

6:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The kids are becoming the real problem our country faces: they are corupting our politicians, our (Catholic) Church, our teachers, etc. They are truly evil!

9:43 PM  
Blogger Gourney DetoureĀ© said...

Love your work, love your gear.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Psycho Mark Foley was so ravenously seduced by the blithe, aluring pages that he publicly embarassed himself by orally serving 60 of them in his BMW parked outside of the House of Represenatives.

"It's kind of pathetic. He'd come by the page lounge with his eyes all bugged out and his hand down his pants, pulling his pud, and cruise the pages and ask if anyone had wood," said one female page who was never worried about Foley's advances.

"No, he would walk right by me and shout, 'I've got a Gumby! Who wants to play Pokey!'," the page said.

5:02 AM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

if this one weren't true it would really be funny.

7:25 AM  
Anonymous Stephen Smoliar said...

John Cullison: "They're gonna be pissed that they didn't think of it first ... ." It looks like Matt Drudge already thought of it for them. Check out the story about Drudge on Truthdig!

7:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Solly that chubster former page boy interviewed earlier wouldn't turn on a mad cow least of all an imperious government official. (but bill owens did page for sr. bush: two ugly no thoughts) I find it amazing there is a such a scandal but I think it is wonderful that a right wing hypocryte phony christian scum bag is the object of ridicule. As to the morality of the fundementalist right I think it's cute when dads molest their sons and daughters and the mother's aren't far makes the degenerate immoral heathen sodomites look really good! At least a majority frequent their own gender and age oriented dens of iniquity and prey on each other: rather the freedom of choice and of similar age!

12:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Normally one can with care distinguish the satire posted on this site from what is a real news item. This item, if you have followed reports in the past 24 hours, is going to have be removed from the satire column, because this is EXACTLY WHAT THE REPUBLISCUM CRIMINALS ARE DOING! UnF)(*#*&_ believable!

3:29 AM  

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