Sunday, September 24, 2006

Teeth Whitening Fad Exposed As Terrorist Plot

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Homeland Security announced today that information derived from the "aggressive" interrogation of suspects in Guantanamo has lead to the arrests of hundreds nationwide and the breakup of a major terrorist conspiracy. Calling it "the most despicable of plots" Michael Chertoff, Secretary of Homeland Security, explained that these sleeper cells had managed to infiltrate their way into the field of dental care by taking advantage of America's obsession with image. Their strategy was ingenuously simple and extraordinarily successful.

For several years, these sleeper cells have managed to use their positions in the dental industry to promote the practice of teeth whitening in order to accomplish their ultimate goal of subverting the health of the American people. Once they were successful in this first step of convincing the public that it is normal to have teeth as white and bright as piano keys they were able to proceed to the second step of their insidious plan, the introduction of destructive chemical agents into the teeth whitening process.

The chemical agent they chose is called Zeeratron. Zeeratron was originally developed in Uzbekistan for use as a corrosive demolition device in urban warfare. However, it soon became apparent that, in a highly diluted form, it could bring about the loss of structural integrity in objects much smaller than buildings, objects such as teeth. Introducing Zeeratron into the teeth whitening process proved quite simple and now it is used by most dentists and toothpaste manufacturers.

The final step of their devious strategy was to keep the teeth whitening process popular with Americans while the Zeeratron did its work and slowly corroded the whitened teeth until they eventually become as brittle as chalk and crumbled apart. The terrorists believed that this would create a substantial financial burden on America's health care system and also greatly demoralize the public in the war against terror.

President Bush, basking in the glow of this successful Homeland Security operation said, "Fortunately, this plot was discovered before it could do any further damage thanks to the efforts of our interrogators at Guantanamo. In fact, the interrogations were so successful that the prisoners were practically begging to give us the names of their accomplices. They gave us so many names, it was like they were reading them from a phone book. Don't tell me that a little rough treatment now and then doesn't work."

Zeeratron is used in 90 percent of all teeth whitening treatments and whitening toothpastes. For those who have had their teeth whitened and are concerned about their structural integrity, it is recommended that you contact your dentist or toothpaste manufacturer to find out if they use Zeeratron.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Makena said...

Your "reports" are hilarious and profound at the same time. Thanks Virt.

12:17 PM  
Anonymous David Anderson said...

Considering the known terrorist plots which would have killed thousands of our citizens and the ones which have killed thousands of our citizens and many more of our allies, I find it incredulous that you think it is funny to denigrade the work of the CIA and others who protect us.

There is nothing profound in this article.

3:29 PM  
Anonymous Seurat said...

I agree with makena. It is a great story and provides some insight with a sense of humor.

David, there is a report in today's New York Times that shows an internal assessment by the intelligence community that the war in Iraq has created more terrorists and made America less safe. Also, Virt seems to be making a point on how torture provides bad information. That is something that most experts agree on. Too bad people in the Bush administration don't rely on experts but their own bad judgment which has made us less safe, not more safe.

4:05 PM  
Blogger greeseyparrot said...

On right, David A.!
I too find incredulous, it surprise also.
(Do seem it like I words about confused used how certain?)

1:32 AM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

Let's see. Can't be critical of an idiot and his idiot minions.

Right, got it. No more humor at the expense of the mental midget in the White House.

Oh, by the way. Nothing here was critical of the CIA. In fact it King George the Worst had LISTENED to the NSA and the CIA in the first place, none of this would be going on right now and we (the rest of the civilized world) might actually be making some progress in winning the "War on Terror."

7:20 AM  
Anonymous raspberry ketone plus said...

Wow..i have used teeth whitening before and do not know the danger imposed by it till i read this articles. Thanks for your information

8:08 PM  

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