Senators McCain, Graham & Warner Give Thumbs Up To Torture

Washington, D.C. - In an abrupt departure from their previously announced positions, Senators John McCain, Lindsey Graham and John Warner have decided to give their wholehearted support to President Bush for his continued use of torture.

Speaking to reporters, Senator McCain said, "Look, I've got to be realistic here. I'm running for president in 2008 and I need to keep the right-wing happy. That's why I went to Liberty College and embraced Falwell and it's why I flip-flopped on my opposition to torture. Quite simply, it came down to this. Do I want to maintain my sense of integrity or be president? For me, the answer was easy."

Senator Graham followed McCain by saying, "We've got an important election coming up in November and we had to make a decision. Are we Americans first or Republicans? Well, I have been a Republican all of my life and that is where my loyalty lies first and foremost."

Speaking last, Senator Warner agreed with Graham and added, "Republicans are the daddy party and sometimes daddies have to torture people who want to hurt mommy and the babies. This is a winning issue for us and we will use it against the Democrats in November to keep the House and Senate."

Although their capitulation to the Bush White House may have some short term benefits in the upcoming elections, it does come at some risk to the senators. Several legal scholars say that McCain, Graham and Warner, by officially condoning the use of torture by the Bush administration, have themselves become accomplices in these inhumane acts that violate the Geneva Conventions and have consequently placed themselves in jeopardy of future prosecution in The Hague.

In a related story, Assimilated Press has learned that the CIA sends videotape highlights of the day's torture to the White House where every evening President Bush, Vice President Cheney, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld, and Senator Lieberman gather together in the Oval Office for viewing parties that include nachos, cocktail weenies and generous amounts of Jack Daniels. Of course, due to his alcoholism, the president restricts his drinking to Shirley Temples with extra maraschino cherries.