Republicans Running Private Brothel Staffed With Pages

Washington, D.C. - Unnamed sources have informed Assimilated Press that top Republican leaders in Congress have established their own private brothel in the Capital Building. This secret brothel is staffed by pages and is only open to Republican members of Congress, top ranking officials at the White House and five select members of the Supreme Court.

Speaker Dennis Hastert, along with Majority Leader John Boehner, originally established the in-house brothel with the help of Representative Mark Foley. Their original intention was to create a special place where Republicans in government could relax and relieve pent-up stress. These Republican leaders also felt that this special atmosphere would allow them to form close relationships with their young pages who were, of course, financially compensated for this extra service that went well beyond their traditional duties as pages.

Now that the existence of this secret Congressional brothel has been made public, Republican leaders are hoping that it will not adversely impact Republican prospects in the upcoming November elections. To this end, they have retained the services of the public relations firm Hill & Knowlton to put the best possible spin on this evolving story. They believe that by showing the special collegial nature of this enterprise along with the health benefits of deep body oil massages that they can turn what seems to be a negative story into a heart warming tale of men and boys forming friendships that will last a lifetime.

Victoria Clark of Hill & Knowlton has already previewed this strategy by choosing to refer to the brothel as "a special men's club where hard working Republicans go to bond with young male pages after a hard days work of protecting the national security of the country."

In response to questions on this issue, White House press secretary Tony Snow criticized Democrats for not supporting better relations between government officials and pages.