Wednesday, September 27, 2006

US Has Secret Contingency Plans For Global Warming

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has learned that the Department of Homeland Security, under the direction of the White House, has prepared secret contingency plans for the inevitable drastic changes brought about by the shift in the global climate. This secret document shows that, contrary to their public position, the Bush administration has privately acknowledged that the "green house effect" is happening and that it will have dire consequences around the world.

Through carefully cultivated sources deep within the Bush White House, Assimilated Press has received a copy of this secret contingency plan. It is marked "Super Top Secret" and appears to be jointly authored by officials from Vice President Cheney's staff and top executives from Exxon Mobil. From the very first page it is obvious that this is a meticulously prepared document that provides a shocking assessment of the damage to the environment and society that will result from the continuation of current energy policies. However, instead of viewing this as a tragedy, the authors take great pains to point out the opportunities that global warming will present.

First and foremost, it is assumed that large areas of American land mass on both coasts will be lost. Second, it predicts that wide scale drought and famine will occur and that they will be accompanied by pestilence and epidemics of contagious diseases. The good news, according to this plan, is that it provides a justification for the declaration of martial law which will simplify the governing of the country during the course of the emergency.

Planning is also underway to use the opportunity global warming presents to finally solve the issue of illegal immigration. According to the contingency plan, the loss of California and parts of Nevada will make it possible for the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers to build a giant moat that connects the Pacific Ocean with the Gulf of Mexico. This will create a natural barrier between the United States and Mexico. The Bush administration, realizing that they could be criticized for using the catastrophe of global warming to advance xenophobic policies that are near and dear to their right-wing base, has already hired Hill & Knowlton to package this to the American people as a national security issue.

Finally, the contingency plan shows that the White House is actually pleased with the way global warming will impact politics in America. By their reasoning, the most heavily Democratic states will disappear, states such as California, Oregon, New York and Rhode Island. Karl Rove, Dick Cheney and President Bush believe this will guarantee Republican rule for at least the next one hundred years.

The White House has refused requests from Assimilated Press to comment on this report.

2 Comments:

Anonymous enemy of the people said...

Ackshualy, this is going to be more like a less-than-zero-sum game.

The Dems will lose the northeast and the west coast and the reps will lose most of the South. Of course, that won't really be much of a loss to the reps in such enlightened places as Kansas and Idaho.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous impeach the pseudoprez said...

Although this article is satire, I fear it may be closer to the truth than we think. The oligarchy that controls this country can't possibly be so ignorant as to really believe that global warming isn't occurring. They just don't care that the most negative impacts will be against the poor. It's Bangladesh that we be under water as well as many other poor areas of the planet. The impact in the U.S. will against the poor also. Hundreds of millions, if not billions of lives will be lost or severely impacted. What is going on right now politically, with the continued destruction of our Constitution is one of the signs of the complete lack of sympathy, much less empathy, of the very wealthy who control things, with the rest of humanity.

10:43 AM  

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