Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Attorney General Gonzalez To Reinstate Ancient Gladiator Games

Washington, D.C. - In a bid to decrease the budget deficit while providing entertainment for the American people, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, acting on orders from President Bush, today announced that the ancient Roman tradition of Gladiator Games is to be revived. Said Gonzalez, "We are going to give the American people exactly what they want, exciting sporting events where the stakes are high. And, at the same time, bring in much needed revenue for the nation's coffers."

Details are sketchy but this much is known. The games are to take place on Capital Mall where President Bush will preside over the festivities in a special viewing platform accompanied by his wife, the vice president and his general staff. Prisoners from Guantanamo and those currently awaiting execution in the nation's prison system will be given the option of fighting for their possible freedom in these games.

Traditional gladiator weapons will be used. These include swords, lances, harpoons, scimitars and nets. Individual competitions will last until one man is left standing. And, in the tradition of American Idol, wounded gladiators left on the playing field will be spared or put to death based on the crowd's reaction. However, unlike American Idol, the final decision will rest with President Bush who will also decide whether or not the winner of the competition will be given his freedom or be forced to fight another day.

Revenue from these games is expected to reach as high as 4 billion dollars the first year. Most of this cash influx into the general treasury will come from an agreement reached with Fox Sports which will have exclusive broadcasting rights to all gladiator games. Additional income will come from ticket sales. Special seating tickets will cost as much as $140 while general admission seating will be an economically priced $18.


Anonymous Pinko said...

Some actors seem not so much to play a role as to inhabit it. Certainly that's the case with Abdul Hassam of Fox's new primetime hit "American Gladiator: Gitmo Special Victims Unit". Abdul, a handsome hunk from Afghanistan, was discovered in Guantanamo at the drug dispensary where he was being forcibly administered an I.V. drip after a hunger strike. The rest, as they say, is history.

TV Guide spoke with Abdul Hassam to find out what it's like to be the hottest star of the hottest t.v. show this season, "American Gladiator:GSVU".

TV Guide: You've consistently bested your opponents and gotten the "thumbs up" from the majority of viewers. That must be quite a responsibility.

Hassam: In my village I was head shepherd, so I am used to the pressure.

TV Guide: "American Gladiator" ran on T.V. from 1989 to 1997. Were you a fan of the original "American Gladiator" before joining "GSVU"?

Hassam: My country does not have reliable electricity because we have been bombed back into the Stone Age, so I have never seen it.

TV Guide: Everyone wants to know what it's like in Gitmo when the cameras are off.

Hassam: As in any prison situation you are going to have some sadistic psychopaths who get carried away with waterboarding and sleep deprivation. And, you are also going to have some people who get suicidally depressed when they are innocent and have been imprisoned for over four years with no end in sight or any contact with the outside world. But on the whole we care about each other and support each other. It is like a family.

TV Guide: Then you'd say that on the whole you like it?

Hassam: You can not get better weather than you find in Gitmo, even in windowless solitary. As your Vice President said, we are living in the tropics!

7:09 PM  
Blogger nunya said...

and lions and tigers and bears?

8:11 PM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

Alberto "Tex" Gonzalez & his nimble assistant, Alice "Goody Two Shoes" Fisher have announced that the very first Galdiator Games, will be a contest by Jack Abramoff & Adam Kidan versus Konstantino "Gus" Boulis. The winners will be awarded the eleven Sun-Cruz Casino Ships previously owned by Gus Boulis. KEYWORD:Anthony "Big Tony" Moscatiello (check it out)

2:07 AM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

I said "Check it out" KEYWORD: Anthony Moscatiello , a.k.a "Big Tony" :$250,000 "catering contract"

2:12 AM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

2:13 AM  

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