Sunday, November 12, 2006

DNA Proves Bush Is Missing Link Between Apes & Man

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - A scientific study was released today that is causing a major controversy. It started as a simple request from the White House to a group of internationally renowned researchers. The president wanted to prove that he had royal lineage that could be traced back to the legendary rulers of England. So, scientists at Carnegie Mellon University were asked by the White House to use the President's DNA from a few strands of hair to establish a link between George W. Bush and British royalty. However, instead of discovering a link between the President and the House of Windsor, this assembly of the world's greatest geneticists made the startling discovery that Bush was the long sought missing link, that elusive creature that is said to be the evolutionary bridge between ape and man.

Though archaeologists have been searching for over a hundred years for fossilized remains that could establish an unbroken record that proved beyond a doubt that the theory of evolution is a scientific fact, they have never been able to find definitive proof until now.

Said Dr. Holden K. Peterson of Carnegie Mellon University, "The DNA from the President's hair sample contained vital markers that conclusively fill the gap in the process of evolution that has been lacking up until this historic moment. But it wasn't just the President's DNA that we analyzed to reach this conclusion. We also looked at his physical characteristics and behavior to see how they corresponded to their simian counterparts. What we found only further confirmed our findings. The President's brain is abnormally small for his body size and resembles that of an ape more than a Homo sapiens. Also, like the great apes, Mr. Bush has a tendency toward aggression, is easily agitated and has limited reasoning capabilities."

Dr. Peterson concluded his statement by saying, "We were asked by the White House to trace the President's lineage to the great historical figures of the British Empire. Unfortunately, we could not establish any such connections and I have to say that President Bush has more in common with Cheetah the chimpanzee than King Henry VIII."

There was no response from the White House regarding the release of this report from Carnegie Mellon University although Assimilated Press has learned that President Bush has been known to throw his feces at aides when angry.

10 Comments:

Anonymous pinko said...

Life Imitates Art

And here we all thought Virt was just kidding around.....



http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/09/ science/09gene

Neanderthals in Gene Pool, Study Suggests

The New York Times
By JOHN NOBLE WILFORD
Published: November 9, 2006

"In research being published online this week by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, the scientists reported that matings between Neanderthals and modern humans presumably accounted for the presence of a variant of the gene that regulates brain size."

9:05 AM  
Anonymous pinko (again) said...

From: Let's Do Science!

Steps of the scientific method

Step 1. Name the problem or question
:Some people want power, and then more power, and then more, and they don't care what they have to do to other people, this country, other countries, or the environment to get it. Why is that?

Step 2. Form an educated guess (hypothesis) of the cause of the problem and make predictions based upon the hypothesis

: There is a connection between Neanderthals and people who consistently identify themselves as "Republican", "Conservative", or
"Christian Right." There is a connection between people who consistently identify themselves as "liberal" or "progressive" and real human beings who do not have ape brains.

Step 3. Test your hypothesis by doing an experiment or study (with proper controls)
Premise: Extrapolation from recent scientific literature (Evans, et. al., Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 11/07/06) shows over 70% of the American voting population has Neanderthal microcephalin gene introgression in their brains. ("microcephalin", Greek = big ape + peabrain; "introgression" = stuck in there but good)

Therefore, slightly under 30% of the American voter population has no Neanderthal genes in their brains and are the only hominids with functioning human brains.

Study:Survey voter self-identification over time to see if there is any correlation between the slightly under 30% of the American population who have truly human brains and political affiliation.

Step 4. Check and interpret your results
: From 1980 to present approximately 26% to 28% of the population has consistently identified itself as "liberal" or "progressive." This positively correlates to the slightly under 30% of American voters who have brains.

Step 5. Report your results to the scientific community
:This explains a lot over the last 6 years.

10:40 AM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

finally.
someone has come up with evidence my wife is absolutely wrong when she calls me a big ape and a peabrain.
with my impeccable far left credentials (librul - to you peabrains who might be lurking out there) there is no way i can be anything but a fully functional human being.
So there, old woman.
Ha.


Thanks, pinko. You done good.
Thanks, virt for the opportunity.
i think i need a banana

11:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dumbya throws his feces when angry.

I bet those s*** fights are better than the ones at the National Zoo!

Oh, I forgot, my bad, the White House IS the National Zoo!

12:59 PM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

Lwaynos' Quotes " I discovered this link back in Texas, when I was stump-breaking Baby Bush, as the true discoverer, I am allowed to name my discovery, in the Latin langage, I hereby re-name Baby Bush as "Homo-Non-erectus Rove-us Pissus Tex-Anus" Let this be known through-out land, Karly "The Turd-Master" Rove
p.s. I approve this new species, F-You Cheney, The Real Decider

3:24 AM  
Anonymous randall said...

Just saw this article: UCLA Geneticists Aim to Unravel Where Chimp and Human Brains Diverge.

Virt, I think you should contact these guys. Sounds like you've already cracked this one wide open!

10:38 AM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

Lwaynos' Quotes: "No! No! I was the one who stump-broke Baby Bush back in Texas! I get to name this new intra-species anthropoid! F-You Cheney, your truly "vice" War President
p.s. Does Karl "Turd Blossom" Rove deficate in the woods??

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Dorian Corso said...

I remember a study scientists did with monkeys a few years back. There was a hole in a tree and an apple was placed inside. The hole was big enough for the apple, or for the monkeys hand , but not quite big enough for the apple IN the monkeys hand. So the monkey grabs the apple and can't pull it out, and can't pull his hand out without letting go of the apple. Hours later the monkey had to be sedated as it was concluded that he would not let go and would die there otherwise because of his refusal to let go.

In my head, I see preznut monkey face reaching into the hole in Iraq to grab the oil, he can't get his hand out but he wont let go.

Somebody get the tranqs.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

Actually, it was a Chimp with a coconut with a hole in it, filled with rice! Or was it a Chimp with a War in Iraq, with a hole in it???
Lwayno

6:22 AM  
Blogger Vierotchka said...

Problem is, the Windsors are German and unrelated to the legendary rulers of England. :)

4:53 AM  

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