DNA Proves Bush Is Missing Link Between Apes & Man

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - A scientific study was released today that is causing a major controversy. It started as a simple request from the White House to a group of internationally renowned researchers. The president wanted to prove that he had royal lineage that could be traced back to the legendary rulers of England. So, scientists at Carnegie Mellon University were asked by the White House to use the President's DNA from a few strands of hair to establish a link between George W. Bush and British royalty. However, instead of discovering a link between the President and the House of Windsor, this assembly of the world's greatest geneticists made the startling discovery that Bush was the long sought missing link, that elusive creature that is said to be the evolutionary bridge between ape and man.

Though archaeologists have been searching for over a hundred years for fossilized remains that could establish an unbroken record that proved beyond a doubt that the theory of evolution is a scientific fact, they have never been able to find definitive proof until now.

Said Dr. Holden K. Peterson of Carnegie Mellon University, "The DNA from the President's hair sample contained vital markers that conclusively fill the gap in the process of evolution that has been lacking up until this historic moment. But it wasn't just the President's DNA that we analyzed to reach this conclusion. We also looked at his physical characteristics and behavior to see how they corresponded to their simian counterparts. What we found only further confirmed our findings. The President's brain is abnormally small for his body size and resembles that of an ape more than a Homo sapiens. Also, like the great apes, Mr. Bush has a tendency toward aggression, is easily agitated and has limited reasoning capabilities."

Dr. Peterson concluded his statement by saying, "We were asked by the White House to trace the President's lineage to the great historical figures of the British Empire. Unfortunately, we could not establish any such connections and I have to say that President Bush has more in common with Cheetah the chimpanzee than King Henry VIII."

There was no response from the White House regarding the release of this report from Carnegie Mellon University although Assimilated Press has learned that President Bush has been known to throw his feces at aides when angry.