Sunday, November 05, 2006

Bush To Personally Execute Saddam Hussein

Washington, D.C. - In an extraordinary move that has no precedent in modern history, the White House announced today that President Bush would personally perform the execution of Saddam Hussein which will take place in a specially constructed execution chamber next to the Oval Office. The weapon of choice has yet to be finalized but the President is said to favor the use of a standard major league aluminum baseball bat. The President's aides had tried to convince him that a high caliber hand gun would be swifter and more humane but they were quickly overruled by White House political strategist Karl Rove who felt that the President's base would prefer a slower and more painful death for Hussein.

In the execution chamber with the President will be Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. They will be there to assist the President in these proceedings which will be carefully choreographed and handled with the dignity befitting such an event.

As it is now planned, once President Bush has finished beating the former dictator of Iraq with his Louisville Slugger, Condoleeza Rice will step in to officially declare Hussein dead. At that point, Dick Cheney, using a butcher's knife, will cut off Hussein's head and hand it to Donald Rumsfeld who will set it on a pole which will then be taken to the front of the White House where it will be prominently displayed for a two week public viewing period.

Adding to the excitement, the White House also announced that the execution of Saddam Hussein would be scheduled for prime time and televised live on all of the major networks. However, because of their special relationship with the White House, Fox News will be the only network to get an exclusive interview with the President immediately following the execution.

A very pleased Rupert Murdoch, basking in his network's good fortune in landing this ratings bonanza, said "Fox News will be in the execution chamber within seconds of Hussein's death. Blood will still be dripping from the bat, the President will be sweating and breathing heavily after his manly display of Texas style justice and our Brit Hume will be there to get it all. Television doesn't get any better than that."

11 Comments:

Blogger The Xsociate said...

Scheduled for Election Night no doubt.

2:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

na ,day before...

2:56 AM  
Anonymous Hollywood Markus said...

Totally Hysterical...if it weren't so POSSIBLE.

9:25 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

November 6, 2006

"Mission Accomplished!"

A triumphant President Bush, dressed in desert camouflage, jackboots and carrying a bloody baseball bat in one hand and a pearl-handled revolver in the other, stood in front of a giant American flag shouting happily "We won!We won!"

The President was, of course, referring to the war in Iraq.

"Saddam Hussein was the bad guy! And now he's gone - so we won!" the President stated emphatically to the cheering crowd of televangelists, Halliburton upper management, and energy industry lobbyists who had been selected to witness the occassion.

Saddam Hussein, the former Iraqi dictator, had been beaten to death by the President after being bound, gagged, chained to the wall, and for the sake of security, drugged. Despite these precautions, at one point the shadow of Saddam fell on the President, whereupon a squad of specially-trained Secret Servicemen wrestled it to the ground where it could not inflict further harm.

"That's how we do justice, Texas-style" said the President, brandishing the bat.

An instant poll by The Washington Times showed that after the televised execution the President's popularity soared to 33%. 72% of registered Republicans rated the President's performance during the execution as either "good for the economy" or "I know in my heart he believes in Jesus"; 5% of independent voters answered as being "still, even after 6 years, Iraq and Katrina, undecided", and 99.999% of registered Democrats (with a slight variance recorded in Connecticut) responded that the President's actions were "about what we've come to expect."

The effects on Tuesday's elections are unknown but the Republicans are seen as gaining ground, perhaps holding on to the majority in both chambers of Congress.

In a related story, a journalist who was asking the President if beating a bound, drugged, chained man was truly an act of bravery, was assaulted by Lynne Cheney, wife of the Vice President. Mrs. Cheney launched herself at the man's throat, growling "Traitor! Terrorist!" The journalist was taken to "a hospital in a secure, undisclosed location for his own safety where he will receive the very best of care" according to a senior administration spokeman.

8:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who owns Iraqi oil?

Who sentenced Saddam?

Who will hang Saddam?

Who was elected in Iraq's first truly fair election ever?

Who is not happy that Saddam is finally brought to justice?

...You have been touched by the owl of irony...

11:04 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

There's no such thing as a "standard major league aluminum baseball bat." Just sayin'...

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

misterbill says...

The Iraqis own Iraqi oil!
The judge sentenced Saddam
I believe Saddam is hung already
Katie Couric-first Iraqi president
All MSM employees are extremely unhappy about Saddam's fate
I don't give a hoot about the owl of irony or the sparrow of sarcasm!

4:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous
Shia and Kurds own Iraq oil

Shia and Kurds Tried Saddam

Shia and Kurds will hang Saddam

Tools of one Strongman or another were elected in Iraqs first election

Sunnis are not happy about Saddams trial

Does the irony of a bloody civil war mean anything to you?

7:18 AM  
Anonymous poor otis said...

oh, by the way, there is no such animal as a "major-league aluminum baseball bat."
They still use wood bats in the majors.

10:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bats and irony??? No wonder!!!!!

7:41 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

Brilliant satire now more frightening because of the actual Texas style execution.

2:02 PM  

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