Thursday, March 29, 2007

Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons For Sadomasochists Opening Soon

New York, New York - Rupert Murdoch, Chairman of News Corp, the parent company of the Fox Broadcasting and Fox News Channel, announced today that his corporation would be opening a chain of torture salons across the nation that will cater to both sadomasochists and masochists. They will be called Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons and will feature the latest in physical and emotional pain inducing devices including waterboarding stations, electrical shock units and special harnesses where patrons can hang from the ceiling by their genitalia.

Said Murdoch, "Our hit show 24 has shown us that the American public has an endless appetite for torture fantasies. So, it is with great satisfaction that we are able to bring our Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons to locations all across our great nation where these fantasies can be fulfilled on a very personal basis. Or course, we also expect it to produce a healthy profit for our shareholders."

Actor Kiefer Sutherland who plays the fictional Jack Bauer added to Murdoch's statement by saying, "I am very proud to be part of this great show and extremely happy that viewers will now get to experience the thrill that Jack Bauer feels every week when he reduces strong men into babbling babies within minutes. These new facilities will bring our show to life and provide a meeting place where like-minded individuals will go to have their torture fantasies met, kind of like a social club for people who get off on torturing or being tortured."

All patrons of Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salons must be over 18 and agree to sign a liability waiver that will protect News Corp in case of accidental death resulting from their recreational use of torture.


Anonymous HaroldX said...

They are opening up a Jack Bauer's 24 Torture Salon on Main Street inbetween Burger King and Starbucks.

11:02 AM  

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