White House OK's Use Of Torture In Public Schools

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Education today announced that Guantanamo style techniques have been approved for use in the nation's public school system for the purpose of instilling discipline and maintaining order. These techniques include waterboarding, severe stress positioning, prolonged interrogation without sleep and beatings that do not result in permanent injury.

In presenting this major policy decision to the public, Margaret Spellings, U.S. Secretary of Education, said "It is important to instill in our young people a sense of discipline and respect for authority. That is why we have authorized these humane methods which have proved their effectiveness in careful testing over the last several years."

Spellings then went on to say that "These new tools we are making available for school administrators are not only approved for punishment and the maintenance of proper discipline but are also recommended for the general interrogation of students in order to procure time-critical information on the drug usage and misbehavior of other students. This will save lives and also reduce financial losses due to vandalism. Who, on earth, could possibly be against that?"

Within hours, critics reacted to the announcement by saying that it was a cruel and abusive way to treat the country's children and would make the United States a moral pariah. In response to this heated criticism, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "President Bush believes he was elected to provide a safe and secure environment for the education of America's youth and that is what he intends to do. People who oppose us on this issue are not only wrong, they are promoting drug use and chaos in our schools."

The American Civil Liberties Union and several other organizations have questioned the constitutionality of today's announced policy but most legal scholars feel that the Supreme Court will reject their claims as unwarranted due to the fact that previous court decisions have determined that students are not covered by the protections provided in the Constitution.