Homeland Security Develops Human Flypaper For Illegal Immigrants

Washington, D.C. - The Department of Homeland Security today announced that they have financed the development of a new technology to drastically stem the flow of illegal immigrants from Mexico. This cutting edge solution was made possible by a grant of 2.7 billion dollars to the research laboratories of Monsanto Company and follows months of exhaustive clinical trials that were conducted in complete secrecy.

Dr. Gene Havoc, head of the Monsanto development team, in presenting this invention to the assembled reporters and government officials said, "We are delighted to introduce to you the latest in high tech border security and our answer to the problem of illegal immigration, the Random Probability Contact Adhesive for Unauthorized Homo Sapiens, or as it is more commonly referred to, human flypaper."

Dr. Havoc then explained how the human flypaper functions, "Essentially, it works the same way with humans as it does with flies. As unauthorized individuals cross the border and come into America there is a certain mathematical probability that they will come in contact with one of the sheets of human flypaper that will be positioned in high traffic zones. Once they come into contact with this super adhesive paper they will be unable to escape and will remain there until they are collected by agents of the Border Patrol."

Representatives from the Department of Homeland Security said that implementation of this solution would begin immediately with the placement of lengthy sheets of human flypaper in strategic locations along the entire Mexican-American border .