US On Terror List

Washington, D.C. - The FBI has increased its domestic surveillance activities, adding suspects to its list of possible terrorists. The list, currently at around 20,000 names long, has so far yielded little information and even fewer arrests. However, a possible loophole in the Protect America Act recently passed by Congress could be interpreted as allowing electronic surveillance for purely domestic communications. This means that phone tapping, e-mail invasion, listening devices, radio frequency identification devices, and maybe even those cute little ankle bangles made fashionable by Martha Stewart will be legal tools for spying on American citizens communicating with other American citizens on U.S. soil. These American citizens would then be added to the FBI’s list.

There are those who point out that a list of 20,000 “suspects” is too large and unwieldy for the FBI. These critics say that in trying to monitor so many people the FBI spreads its resources too thinly, leading to inconclusive information. The FBI disagrees. “The problem” said FBI spokesman Tucker Yap “is not that the list of 20,000 is too long. The reason there weren’t more arrests is that these were not necessarily the correct 20,000 people.”

Mr. Yap offered the analogy of searching for buried treasure. “You can dig and dig looking for buried treasure,“ he explained, ”but if you’re on the wrong part of the beach it doesn’t matter how deep you dig, you’re still not going to find it.” Mr. Yap says the FBI, under the Persecute America Act, plans to find the treasure by digging up the entire beach. “The list isn’t too long, it’s too short,” said Mr. Yap. “The United States population is closing in on 303,000,000 people, and that’s not counting any undocumented aliens. If we add every man, woman, child, dog, cat and canary in America to the list, we’ll strike gold, for sure.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko