Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Shortcut Through Purgatory! Right This Way, Folks!
Vatican City, Italy - Pope Benedict XVI has declared that, for a limited time only, an indulgence for a shortcut through purgatory will be available to those who journey to Lourdes, France in honor of the shrine's 150th anniversary. In Catholicism purgatory is the Greyhound Bus Station waiting room to heaven, and an indulgence gets you preferred seating on the first bus out.
This offer, not available in any store, is good for calendar year 2008 only. Vatican air flights to take you to Lourdes will begin this summer and you can book at 1-555-HOLY SMOKE; operators are standing by!
But wait, there's more! For those people unable to fly to France, a special one time offer gets you an indulgence right in the convenience of your own neighborhood! That's right! All you have to do is pray at a site dedicated to Our Lady of Lourdes anytime from February 2 through February 14, 2008. That's all you have to do to get on the fast track to God. That's February 2 through February 14 only, so hurry, don't let this opportunity get away!
This offer not available to Lutherans, Baptists, Hindus, Moslems, Jews, pagans and atheists. Not available in all areas. Further restrictions may apply. Direct descendants of priests, nuns, cardinals, bishops and popes not eligible. Check with your local church for details.
Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko