Monday, August 14, 2006

God Fires Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson And James Dobson

Colorado Springs, Colorado - In an announcement that took many by surprise, God today demanded the immediate resignations of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson as his self-proclaimed spokesmen.

In a personal fax sent to each of these quasi-religious representatives, God stated that "Because the three of you have consistently misstated and perverted my teachings for your own aggrandizement I am forced to order each one of you to cease and desist using my name for your personal profit. This command is effective immediately. Any violations will be dealt with severely."

Authenticity of the faxed document was verified by several scholars who said that it produced a divine brightness that was not of this world and could only have come from the Creator. Professor Richard T. Fenwick of Harvard University's School of Divinity said, "There is no doubt that it is original. We can tell this by the masterly use of language and the heavenly calligraphy. Clearly, this came from the Man Himself."

Upon reading this document, witnesses report that Falwell, Robertson and Dobson all turned ghostly white and dropped to their knees while begging forgiveness for being wanton scam artists who prey on the ignorance and prejudices of the public.

Liberty University, Focus on the Family and the Christian Broadcasting Network will all be having going-out-of-business sales at the end of the month.

13 Comments:

Blogger The Xsociate said...

I wonder if he used Kinko's?

2:47 AM  
Anonymous HolyMackerel said...

I love it! Virt, your reports are really great!

9:41 AM  
Anonymous Equinox said...

ROFL! This should be in the Onion. Actually, it should be everywhere!

9:49 AM  
Blogger FaulknA said...

Those guys wouldn't know the Word of God in any form, especially a fax. They wouldn't be on their knees, they'd be whipping out their Bic lighters and trying to torch it. When the flames fail to consume the fax paper, they'd try to shred it. When it came out the other end of the shredder in one piece they'd bury it in the garbage and continue to conduct their business as they always have. The only way they'd get on their knees is if God removed their legs from the knee joint down. And even then, they'd carve two wooden ones to stand on and continue on. Only a permanent vacation in Hell will stop these fools.

11:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man if OBL says kill the infiedls he certainly is crazy...when these suckers priests say kill all the sons of allah and let allah sort them out...it is a religion's teaching...these extreme christians,jewish and muslims should be sorted out and shipped to allah or Mr.christ in the next discovery not only muslims but also those suckers of born again with the neocons bribing and sabotage religions by the mighty$$$$$

9:21 PM  
Anonymous thehawke said...

It is cruel to tease us so.

11:35 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

I think G-d might have something better in mind for these guys than just a simple pink slip, at least that's my hope!

7:19 PM  
Blogger MarchDancer said...

I laughed, debated, laughed some more, quit debating. Off it went to two family members who are "men of God", truly. They will enjoy this as much as I have - maybe use it in a sermon!

11:25 PM  
Blogger arlene said...

Faulkn is ever so right. They would deny, lie, and attempt to hide that fax! Further, I keep hoping that the RAPTURE will come quickly, get rid of these nutcases, and then we can get on with the business of improving mankind and saving our world. These right-wing christo-fascists make me puke!

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder what those yutzes would say if they saw this themselves? Probably call it blasphemy.

As it was once said, pot, meet kettle, alias Falwell, Robertson and Dobson!

8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When the GOP leadership sees evangelicals, they see people who will believe anything: the earth was created in 7 days, Rapture, the inerrancy of the Bible as a historical record. So can you blame them for taking advantage?

Here's my take on these people.

http://karavans.typepad.com/karavans/2006/10/david_kuo_the_f.html

10:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a Post Script....

At the request of the Prophet Mohammad the address list for this memo has been expanded to include Pope Benedict XVI based on his careless turn of phrase when speaking about the Islamic religion.

3:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how you hate... and hide behind your ip addresses.

1:24 PM  

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