President Bush Urges Kids To Burn Bad Report Cards

Washington, D.C. - President Bush today praised the CIA for destroying evidence of serious crimes committed by both the CIA and the Bush administration. The president then went on to say that there is a long Bush family tradition concerning the obstruction of justice and it is one that he plans to continue.

Speaking to this point, sources within the White House have told Assimilated Press that the Bush family has for years instituted a policy of destroying evidence of their criminal activity while also appointing family friends and employees to lead any investigation against itself, such as the case with George W. Bush's violations of S.E.C. regulations, the disappearance of his national guard records which showed desertion and the use of cocaine, the role Neil Bush played in the savings and loan debacle, and the coverup of illegal activity by the president's father in the Iran-Contra scandal.

While praising the CIA for its role in war crimes and their coverup, the president went further and suggested that children use this episode as an example. "All of you kids out there, I want you to learn from what the CIA has done. From now on, when you get a bad report card and you don't want your parents to know that you aren't so good at this learning thing, just burn the damn report card and your problems are over. Hell, that's what I always did."