Kiefer Sutherland & Ann Coulter In Bitter Split

Malibu, California - Just days after saying their vows, actor Kiefer Sutherland and columnist Ann Coulter have ended up in divorce court in a bitter battle to end their brief marriage.

Sources close to the unhappy couple tell Assimilated Press that problems emerged almost immediately after the ceremony and that they culminated into acrimonious shouting matches, broken furniture and several visits to the emergency room for treatment of abrasions and severe bruises.

According to documents filed in the divorce proceedings, Ann Coulter felt that she was marrying Sutherland's television persona Jack Bauer and not some sissy actor who wears makeup and cries when watching reruns of Friends.

In his response to the court, Kiefer Sutherland said that their relationship fell apart on their wedding night when he found out that his new bride, Ann Coulter, had invited her close friends Bill O'Reilly and Brit Hume to participate in a Ménage à trois while handcuffing Sutherland to a chair so he could watch his new bride be ravaged by two icons of the family values and cultural war crowd.

In her defense, Coulter said that she thought Sutherland would enjoy the experience and that it might give him some ideas for his hit show 24.