Message From Hell By Jerry Falwell
The following message from Jerry Falwell was received by Assimilated Press using our experimental Postmortem Receiver
Hello friends, this is Jerry Falwell speaking to you from Hell. I have to say, ending up in Hell did not come as a total surprise to me. I had been playing most of you for suckers for years and it paid really well. Religion is a great racket, probably the best con an enterprising individual can get into. You don't have to pay taxes and gullible people love that self-righteous crap, especially if it is served up with a healthy dose of hate. Still, I had been hoping for purgatory. You know, one last chance for a shot at heaven. Alas, it was not to be. Apparently, God hates hypocrites and he's not too fond of misogynistic, gay bashing racists either. So, here I am.
It's true what they say about Hell. It is awfully hot. Man, most of the time I feel like a side of pork roasting over an open spit and that's the least of my problems. You see, down here in the Underworld, each person's experience is tailored to the type of life they led. In my case that means I have to listen to my own sermons over and over again. Boy, I was full of shit. I can't believe I got away with it. Well, I guess considering where I am right now, maybe I didn't quite get away with it, but it was a great ride while it lasted. I lived like a fucking king, had a limo, tons of money, friends in high place. Hell, I even had my own fiefdom, Liberty University. By the way, a word of advice to all of the students at Liberty U, get a clue. My school in Lynchburg, Virginia doesn't get you closer to God. It's a way station to eternal damnation and Hell, a recruitment center for the Beast. So, unless you want to end up like me, you better get out while you still can.
Sorry, I have to go now. Lucifer has made me his personal bitch and he wants me to be there when he welcomes a new group from Amway that will be arriving shortly. Good-bye to all of my friends, especially those in Washington. I look forward to seeing you all again.