Bush To Remain Commander-In-Chief For Life

Washington, D.C. - President George W. Bush today signed an executive order declaring that he would remain Commander-in-Chief even after the next president is sworn in on January 20, 2009. In announcing this executive order, Bush stated that national security dictated that he "maintain control over the Pentagon and American military forces in order to protect the people of the United States from enemies both foreign and domestic."

In accordance with this new executive order, whoever wins the next election, whether it is Obama or McCain, will be given the honorary title of President of the United States but this position will now be a ceremonial one only and the sole power the next president will have will be the ability to throw out the first pitch of the baseball season and to preside over the grand openings of malls and shopping centers. The next president will also be given an office in the Executive Building across the street from the White House and a staff of two to handle incoming mail.

After January 2009, George W. Bush will officially be called Commander Bush. He will keep his residence in the White House, along with his entire staff and he will also continue to have Air Force One at his disposal. President Obama or McCain will be given a twenty-five percent discount coupon valid on any commercial airlines for any business travel they may need to conduct.

Commenting on this new executive order, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts said, "Well, it is highly unusual but I am sure that, given the Bush versus Gore decision, it should easily pass constitutional muster."