Epidemic Of Feral Children In America
Unsupervised gangs of screaming children have overrun suburban communities nationwide causing disruptions and disturbing the peace. These feral adolescents maraud through neighborhoods on skateboards, scooters, and bicycles. They are known to emit ear-piercing screams at regular intervals and are completely undisciplined which gives them a feeling of absolute omnipotence.
Childhood psychologists such as Dr. Boyden T. Benton of the Harvard Institute of Adolescent Bad Behavior are concerned, "These children have no grounding. They are uncivilized. All they do is scream and eat sugar. This is having very serious consequences. We are seeing children as young as five years old who are completely deaf and suffering from diabetes. Furthermore, test scores for American children are plummeting to the lowest levels ever recorded undermining the nation's lead in science and technology." Dr. Benton then said "Many of these problems stem from a lack of good role models."
When informed of this issue and the substantial negative impact to the country, President George W. Bush screamed, cried, rolled on the floor and threatened to hold his breath until America regained its dominance in the world.