Bush: Attack of Jackalopes Imminent!
Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that an organized attack by jackalopes was imminent and that it presented an immediate threat to the safety and welfare of all Americans. George W. Bush, in an interview with Brit Hume of Fox News, said "We know for certain that the jackalopes have formed an alliance with Al Qaeda and that these jackalopes are determined to strike us. You have to remember, these are clever creatures and are very devious which is why I am declaring a state of emergency and suspending all local, state and federal elections until I, as your war president, have completely eliminated the jackalope threat to destroy America."
Senators and representatives of both parties quickly lined up to support the president. Senator Spector said "I am in favor of liberty and civil rights but in the face of this terrible threat from jackalopes, I think it is a prudent thing for the president to suspend elections and constitutional protections." This view was echoed by Senator Lieberman who said "What good are freedoms if we are all dead from a vicious jackalope attack? I say it is time to rally around our president."
Cable news outlets prominently featured this story on a 24 hour basis with special programming reflecting the grave danger Americans are under. Fox News led under the banner "Jackalopes: The Enemy Within." MSNBC's banner was "Operation Destroy Evil Jackalopes." And CNN's banner was "Ending the Tyranny of the Jackalopes."
As the Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to Orange, President Bush's final words to Brit Hume were "Be afraid, very afraid, but go on with your daily business and for god's sake, keep shopping."