Halliburton Given Contract to Develop Fuel From Human Remains
Houston, Texas - Representatives from Halliburton announced today that they have received a no-bid government contract to develop fuel from human remains. In presenting this to the public, Halliburton emphasized the importance of moving from oil and other fossil fuels to a new more reliable energy source in order to meet the future needs of Halliburton.
Halliburton spokesperson Paul Loot said "The world is running out of oil. We need to come up with bold new ideas that will continue to bring profits to the company and please our shareholders. Fortunately, we have a reliable partner in the Bush administration to help us meet our yearly revenue goals"
Shortly after the announcement in Houston, President George W. Bush signed an executive order transferring ownership of the bodies of the recently deceased from the immediate families to Halliburton. In addition, this executive order authorizes funeral homes to be used as collection centers for Halliburton. Of course, grieving families will be allowed to have a brief service for their loved ones before they are confiscated for processing.
In signing the executive order, President Bush said "This is a national security issue and, as your national security war president, I feel it is necessary to turn over your dead relatives to Halliburton where they can be put to good use. I mean, think about it. Would you rather have grandpa in the ground feedin' worms or in the gas tank where he could do some good?"