Chris Matthews Swallows Tongue While Bloviating
New York, New York - Chris Matthews narrowly averted death today while interviewing Al Gore about his recently released movie "An Inconvenient Truth." Matthews' brush with mortality occurred seven minutes into the interview when he was just finishing his question for Gore who had not yet spoken. Matthews had spent the preceding minutes leading up to his question berating Gore for supposedly claiming he "invented the environment" and for "trying to steal the election from Bush in 2000."
Matthews also vehemently attacked Gore for his opposition to global warming. Said Matthews, "I'm originally from Philadelphia where it is damn cold in the winter. I'm not an elitist like you. I want the people of Philadelphia to save on their heating bills. It seems to me that global warming is good for the people of Philadelphia. Hell, it's good for the entire Northeast as well. Why should the southern states have all that warm weather in the winter? Why can't us northerners have some of that extra sunshine? I don't know about you, but I would like to lay out in the sun in January and I'm sure that every patriotic American agrees with me. Al Gore, why do you want to punish good Americans who want to be warmer? Clearly, you are on the wrong side of this issue and President Bush is on the right side, fighting for more warmth and less cold."
At this point, Matthews suddenly started choking and began to turn blue. Gesturing wildly, he stood up and then collapsed on the floor unconscious. Gore, realizing that Matthews had just swallowed his tongue and was dying from asphyxiation, quickly went to his aid. He reached down into Matthews' mouth and pulled the swallowed tongue from Matthews' throat thus clearing his air channel. Gore then performed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Matthews until he regained consciousness.
Moments later, both men returned to their seats and Matthews, continuing as if nothing had happened, said "So, answer my question. Why do you want to deny warmth to the American people? That seems cold-hearted and cruel to me. Tell me why I'm wrong?"
As Gore began to answer, Matthews cut him off and said "Sorry, we're out of time. Folks, join us tomorrow when we have Ann Coulter and Melanie Morgan on telling us why liberalism should be treated like a disease and eradicated."