It's Official: God Is A White Male Heterosexual Christian

Dallas, Texas - In a vote on their party platform for the 2006 congressional elections, Republican representatives overwhelmingly approved, as their first plank and central tenet, the statement that "God is a white male heterosexual Christian."

Senator Rick Santorum, speaking on behalf of the assembled representatives, said "Of course, this statement is indisputably true. All of the pictures of God that I have seen show him to be a white male surrounded by crosses. What other conclusion can you possibly reach? As for his sexuality, when you are God you can have any woman you want. Need I say more?"

When questioned whether God was a Catholic or a Protestant, Santorum appeared shaken and could not provide an answer. Although, in response to another question, he did say that God not only had a penis but that he was very well endowed and that this was common knowledge among religious authorities.

Karl Rove, who attended the event as an unofficial delegate and was thought to have engineered the inclusion of this statement, said "Forget Iraq. Forget record budget deficits. Forget all of the lies and failures. We Republicans will run as the white male heterosexual Christian party that has God on its side. As for the Democrats, everyone knows that they are against white male Christian heterosexuals and that they hate God."

Rove concluded his remarks by saying, "With God and Diebold on our side, victory is ours."