Panic Spreads As Gay Sharks Attack Missing White Women

Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Governor Jeb Bush today declared a state of emergency in Florida after rumors persisted of vicious attacks on missing white women by schools of gay sharks. Said the governor, "Some of you may say that I am acting precipitously in declaring this emergency even though there is no hard evidence that these attacks are taking place. Well, I say to those skeptics, if that attitude had prevailed in the war on terror my older brother would not have invaded Iraq and it would not be the free and peaceful nation that we see today." Bush then continued with this ominous warning, "These sharks are very well organized and extremely fastidious. I would caution all missing white women to stay as far away from the beach as possible."

As news of these rumored attacks spread across the country, fearful citizens as far away as Kansas stayed indoors and prayed for the welfare of their missing white women. In one town in Nebraska an effigy of a gay shark was burned as a cheering crowd watched approvingly. Efforts by some community leaders to restore calm were met with shouts of "gay shark lover" and "traitor."

Fox News, MSNBC and CNN have all rented studio facilities along the coastline for on-scene continuous saturation coverage of this major story.