Saturday, July 15, 2006

Panic Spreads As Gay Sharks Attack Missing White Women

Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Governor Jeb Bush today declared a state of emergency in Florida after rumors persisted of vicious attacks on missing white women by schools of gay sharks. Said the governor, "Some of you may say that I am acting precipitously in declaring this emergency even though there is no hard evidence that these attacks are taking place. Well, I say to those skeptics, if that attitude had prevailed in the war on terror my older brother would not have invaded Iraq and it would not be the free and peaceful nation that we see today." Bush then continued with this ominous warning, "These sharks are very well organized and extremely fastidious. I would caution all missing white women to stay as far away from the beach as possible."

As news of these rumored attacks spread across the country, fearful citizens as far away as Kansas stayed indoors and prayed for the welfare of their missing white women. In one town in Nebraska an effigy of a gay shark was burned as a cheering crowd watched approvingly. Efforts by some community leaders to restore calm were met with shouts of "gay shark lover" and "traitor."

Fox News, MSNBC and CNN have all rented studio facilities along the coastline for on-scene continuous saturation coverage of this major story.

4 Comments:

Anonymous evenkeel said...

This is hilarious! Great work, Virt.

9:06 AM  
Blogger nunya said...

another good one!!!,

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congrats!!!!

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Pinko said...

The President, speaking at the Midwestern Regional College Republicans Convention yesterday, confirmed earlier reports that the Pentagon was studying the possibility of using limited tactical nuclear weapons along the Gulf Coast. President Bush stated, "Some people seem to have a pre-shark mentality. What they don't understand is if we don't fight them on the beaches, we'll have to fight them in the streets. And that would be badder, much badder, and my job is to keep bad things from happening to America."

8:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

shouldn't that be Uppity Black gay sharks are preyin' on your missing blond white women?

9:50 AM  

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