End Of World To Occur On Tuesday
Lynchburg, Virginia - Biblical scholars at Liberty University announced today that, after a careful analysis of scripture, they have come to the conclusion that the world will end this Tuesday at 4:33 PM Eastern Standard Time. The end, they say, will begin with an army of avenging angels descending from Heaven for the purpose of culling the nonbelievers from the faithful. All nonbelievers will be immediately consigned to Hell where they will be subject to nonstop parties, sexual permissiveness and bacchanalian festivities that would make Dionysus jealous.
The remaining faithful, according to these scholars, will be carried on the wings of angels to Heaven where they will find no nudity, no sex, and no libations. Recreation will consist solely of eating twinkies while listening to a special CD collection of The 100 Best Sermons of Jerry Falwell.
Theodore Johnson, a student at Liberty University, after hearing the announcement said, "Is it too late for me to get into Hell? I don't want to die a sober virgin with the voice of Jerry Falwell ringing in my ears."